New jokes page

[Critter]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]A kid comes home from school and says to his mum, "Mum I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me."
He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand.
She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement.
He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.

Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."

"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."[/color:post_uid0]

[Rupewrecht]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]10 Wog Commandments (please excuse the ethnic stereotype!)

[b:post_uid0]10. Thou shalt have at least 2 mobile phones or own 2 SIM cards.[/b:post_uid0]

One for optus free time and the other for vodafone. You may have nothing to say, but saying it for free somehow adds great value to it.

[b:post_uid0]9. Thou shalt wannabe a DJ or claim to have a cousin that is a DJ.[/b:post_uid0]

You must have made at least one attempt to make your own tracks using demo programs off the net and sampling stuff that sounds like you ripped it off an old atari or playstation game. This must also include an improvised freestyle rap which contains several references to your genitals and your bro's ho's etc.

[b:post_uid0]8. Thou shalt display at least 3 crosses:[/b:post_uid0]

A gold chunky cross your godparents gave you when you were baptised that you wear around your neck along with the other 10 charms of chilies, love hearts and evil eyes. A huge cross and your village saint above your bed blessed by the pope. Some rosary beads hanging from your rear view mirror in the car or one of the stickers they hand out during Easter stuck on your dashboard that your nonna/yia yia/baba gave you.
Optional for the young wogboys: Showing your so called "devotion" to religion by getting a tattoo of the cross or any other religious symbols usually on your arm or on your back. (no barbed wire around your arm doesn't count)

[b:post_uid0]7. Thou shalt rebel against older wogs with any authority and obtain some sort of piercing.[/b:post_uid0]

Any self respecting wogboy, would have popped down to the chemist and gotten a earring. Make sure you do this in the next suburb and ensure that the chemist isnt run by Greeks or Italians in order to avoid a leak to the local gossip network (eg.your mum's hairdresser, your dad's best mate who owns the fruit shop etc).

IMPORTANT: You must remove the earring before and during the time spent at home and when with the boyz one must replace it, with a big chunky gold sleeper.

[b:post_uid0]6. Thou must know greetings in other wog languages. We live in a multicultural society therefore lets start with the basics:[/b:post_uid0]

Hows it going bro
Hows it going re/ra
Hows it going cuz
Hows it going stronzo

Once you have mastered the basics feel free to express yourself and expand on your vocabulary:

Sic re
Howudoin?
Yallah
Hows it hangin bro?
Howudoin?

[b:post_uid0]5. Thou shalt travel or cruise in at least 1 modified car a week and be seen at 1 of the following locations:[/b:post_uid0]

Chapel St.
Lygon St.
Club Vespa
Westfield Broadmedows
Lonsdale St baraki
South Melbourne Hellas soccer games
Brunswick

[b:post_uid0]4. Thou shalt use excessive amounts of hair products on one's hair specifically extra hold hair spray, mouse and gel.[/b:post_uid0]

A Wog Boys hairdo is a masterpiece, in many cases a work of art. One must set aside many hours to craft those spikes of hair. If you have curly hair do not bother...shave it down to a number 0 or 1.

Colour is also an important element and standards do apply: One must have streaks of blonde, red or blue applied to the ends of one's hair.

[b:post_uid0]3. Thou shalt know at least one traditional song or dance.[/b:post_uid0]

These include artists such as Eros, Laura, Sabrina, Sfakianakis,Yianni, Nek, and AmedMc- ok maybe not the last one. Ladies: When dancing in a traditional fashion, usually at your cousins 21st so blind drunk that you forget half your chest is pouring out of your top and your skirt is riding up your backside, a strong grip of the nearest person's hand could make or break your dance routine. If in doubt of any dance moves...improvise! AND never EVER take a serviette from someone inside the circle. If you are completely lost just blame the nearest skip for making you break your concentration.

[b:post_uid0]2. Thou shalt not get busted waxing by ones mother.[/b:post_uid0]

If you are hairy make sure your mother never catches you waxing your legs for the next soccer game. She'll freak and think you've gone gay on her and her dream of a white wedding will never come true. She'll resort to setting
you up with a family friend, distant relative, someone with the same last name or some poor village girl from the old country..and then your clubbing days will be gone my friend!!

[b:post_uid0]1. Thou shalt go clubbing every Saturday night.[/b:post_uid0][/color:post_uid0]

[ABC]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde
cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and
his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him
up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?" The Cowboy says
"Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this
pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her... so
I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my
shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my
pants... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off
my shorts... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of
sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy..." And here I am.[/color:post_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]If english was a gender-based language:

Ziplock Bags - [i:post_uid0]Male[/i:post_uid0]. They hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Swiss Army Knife - [i:post_uid0]Male[/i:post_uid0]. Even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

Shoe - [i:post_uid0]Male[/i:post_uid0]. Ususalt unpolished, with it's tongue hanging out.

Copier - [i:post_uid0]Female[/i:post_uid0]. An effective reproduction device when the right buttons are pushed. It can wreak havok when the wrong buttons are pressed.

Tire - [i:post_uid0]Male[/i:post_uid0]. Goes bald and is often over-inflated.

Hot Air Balloon - [i:post_uid0]Male[/i:post_uid0]. To get it to go anywhere, you ahve to light a fire under it.

Web Page - [i:post_uid0]Female[/i:post_uid0]. Always getting hit on.

Subway - [i:post_uid0]Male[/i:post_uid0]. Uses the same old lines to pickup people up.

Hourglass - [i:post_uid0]Female[/i:post_uid0]. Over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammer - [i:post_uid0]Male[/i:post_uid0]. Hasn't evolved much over 5,000 years, but is handy to have around the house.[/color:post_uid0]

[astina]

[color=#32CD32:post_uid0]there are three couples sitting around a table an italian couple a french couple and an australian couple.
the italian man says "after me and my wife have sex i tickle her feet and she goes crazy, orgasams like nothing else, jumps 3 feet in the air she loves it".
then the french man goes "after me and my wife have sex i kiss every part of her body she goes crazy, orgasams like nothing else, she jumps 5 feet in the air she loves it".
then the australian guy goes "well after me and my wife have sex i wipe my cock on the curtins and she hits the roof".[/color:post_uid0]

[sik astina]

[color=#0000FF:post_uid0]LOL i like that one, astina :D[/color:post_uid0]

[sik astina]

[color=#0000FF:post_uid0]A man went to the doctor because he was very embarrassed about his 25 inch penis, and he was having difficulty trying to hide it "doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "Is there anything you can do for me?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch doctor who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch doctor.

The man calls upon the witch doctor and relays his story. "Witch doctor, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope."

The witch doctor stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog
sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me?
When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. and found the
pond with the frog sitting on the other side, He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out, "this is great! But it's still too long at 20 inches so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."
Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was
another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic."
He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a
moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be
ideal
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you
marry me?"

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!"


One for the boys... the moral of the story is... be thankful for what you have because you never know when you might f**k up and lose it all!!!
:cool:[/color:post_uid0]

[ABC]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]On the subject of drugs in tennis, the Williams sisters were recently
discussing this in the warm-up room before a doubles match.

"I think Dad might be slipping us steroids" whispered Serena.
"What makes you say that?" replied a stunned Venus.
"Well" , started Serena embarrassingly, "I've started to grow hair on
parts of my body that have never had hair before!".
" ****....like where?" asked Venus.
" Like all over my balls!" replied Serena. :D[/color:post_uid0]

[ABC]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Police in Texas have found a badly burned penis hanging in a tree.
Police spokesman said they suspect it to be a shuttle cock.[/color:post_uid0]

[Toyboy]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]LOL,Nasty :laugh:[/color:post_uid0]

[astina]

[color=#32CD32:post_uid0]a guy and his wife are lying in bed and the guy asks "honey can i have a head job" the wife replies "just pull in a cup and ill drink it in the morning"[/color:post_uid0]

[Rupewrecht]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]These are the top five adult jokes for last year.

Number five. A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your dIck is as hard as your elbow,I'm in room 221."

Number four. A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Jewish men have the biggest
diameter penises. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Greenberg, nice to meet you."

Number three. One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband start rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrw too?"

Number two. Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. Hi wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickleslicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

Number one. A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."[/color:post_uid0]

[Toyboy]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Got a link for you's guys to check out :p

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/abc.shtml

Enjoy :D[/color:post_uid0]

[IZG-00D]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm..... they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having
sex. Again she asks her mother "What are they are doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes." The
next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, eh?" Shocked, the Mother! says, "How do you know?" wait for it.............







She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa.[/color:post_uid0]

[Toyboy]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW :O[/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]LMAO!! That's gross!

Wasn't there a topic on the looming war here somewhere?? Damn it if I can find the bloody thing, anyway I was going to post this on it, but I guess it's more of a joke than anything

[img:post_uid0]http://images.cardomain.com/installs/286000-286999/286826_16_full.jpg[/img:post_uid0]

Adam[/color:post_uid0]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000:post_uid0]It was a smashing success of a cocktail party the Fullertons threw, so much so that after an hour, Mrs Halley tugged at her husbands sleeve and declared, 'Harvey, don't you think you - ought to stop drinking?...Why your whole face is begining to look blurred!'

Robbo was claiming to his mates at the local pub that his dog, rufus, was extremely well trained. 'never gets it wrong! I'm not just talking simple commands like "sit" and "roll over", i'm talking full 6 word sentences!' so the bets were layed, and Robbo was asked to prove his dog. With that, Robbo picked up his dog, threw him into the open fireplace, and yelled 'RUFUS! GET OFF THAT BLOODY FIRE!!'[/color:post_uid0]

[kyra]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]peter...that's the best joke i've read for a while....classic stuff!!![/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]WAR SPEAK FOR TEXAS RESIDENTS
[img:post_uid0]http://www.democracymeansyou.com/images/iraq-explained.gif[/img:post_uid0]

:D
Adam[/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]"I don't want relationship, i just want BANG BANG BANG!!" :laugh: :laugh:

Funny ****!

BANG BANG BANG! (http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/Group_X_video.html)

Adam[/color:post_uid0]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000:post_uid0]laugh. good stuff[/color:post_uid0]

[sik astina]

[color=#0000FF:post_uid0]Sandyman decides to get a tattoo. On arrival to the tattooist he spots a picture of Evander Holyfield. "Oh! He's my favourite darling. Can you do him on the cheek of my ass?" he asked the tattooist.

So it was done. On the way out of the store he spotted another picture on the wall, this time Mike Tyson. "Oh, good Lord!" the queer blurted out. "I just adore Iron Mike! Can you do him on my other cheek?"

So it was done. On returning home, his boyfriend says, "Well, drop your trousers, give us a look." He dropped his pants and showed his ass. His boyfriend gasped and replied, "I think our relationship is over! I sure as hell ain't getting in the ring with those two." :laugh:[/color:post_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]"Out come the old crowie and 'Whooshka, cop that' he says"

Ooooohhhhhhh, harsh!!! :D[/color:post_uid0]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000:post_uid0]i see we haven't grown out of fag jokes[/color:post_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid4]There are only 10 types of people in the world...
Those that understand binary, and those that don't[/color:post_uid4]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000:post_uid0]and those who don't know what binary means.e explain for their sake.[/color:post_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Binary only uses '1' and '0' for counting. To represent '1' (decimal), you use 1 (duh). But how do you represent '2'. You can't use '2', so you use 10. '3' is 11, 4 is 100, 5 is 101, 6 is 111 etc.

So binary '10' is decimal '2'. Which side do you fall in? :;):[/color:post_uid0]

[Toyboy]

[color=#000000:post_uid14][b:post_uid14]WHAT ARE YOU?[/b:post_uid14] open this link and click on all 4 boxes to reveal what you are :p
http://members.shaw.ca/wpgclan/whatyouare.htm

:D :D :D[/color:post_uid14]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0]WHAT ARE YOU[/quote:post_uid0]

I'm a pathetic Sea Captin who likes to reward blow up dolls. :D[/color:post_uid0]

[SehnKhan]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0="Toyboy"]WHAT ARE YOU?[/quote:post_uid0]
I am a funky ringtail ****er who likes to whap lesbians *:D

On the second go however:

I am a slam-dancing dragon who likes to punch scarecrows.



This thing is scary *:D[/color:post_uid0]

[astina]

[color=#FF7F00:post_uid0]:( aaa im confused now thanks mr shadow[/color:post_uid0]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000:post_uid0]i am a monkey like viking prince who likes to philosophy with ears

heres a weird one:
a penile vixen who loves to devour werewolves[/color:post_uid0]

[astina]

[color=#FF7F00:post_uid0]for a big cold beer you need the best cold beer and the best cold beer is vic.
you can get it any old how, you can get it rooting a cow matter of fact im rooting one now.



so there i was, VB in one hand, trousers around my ankles, cock in her mouth, balls slapping on her chin, and i thought to myself, man what a great beer!![/color:post_uid0]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000:post_uid0]victoria's anthem.[/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Interesting little flash thingy:

Here.... (http://www.limmy.com/playthings/xylophone/)

Adam[/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Interesting story here.... (http://www.thesundaymail.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5936,5984541%255E904,00.html)

Adam[/color:post_uid0]

[Rupewrecht]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]heheheh

i got emailed about 6 of those skirt pics a few weeks ago![/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."

:D

Adam[/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Hmmm, no weapons of Mass Destruction found at [b:post_uid0]this (http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/)[/b:post_uid0] website

Adam[/color:post_uid0]

[OY33AH]

[color=#FF00FF:post_uid2]Here's one I got sent today...hehe


Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan.

One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said.Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering withfear.

"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella. "Is there anything else you might wish for?" asked the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had." At once, her wish wasgranted. Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years. *The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young
man."

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood young man with the looks and body that no other man couldmatch. The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life," and with that she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she had ever seen.

Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath, "bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"

~Leanne~[/color:post_uid2]

[supergirl]

[color=#000080:post_uid0]try this link for some pretty awesome stuff


tekzone (http://www.tekzoned.com)[/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.

"Hillen, its the hilth munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."


"Shuuuuuut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!"


"We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Britain?..."
"No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"
"What about Australia?"
"Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck. You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"


Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need. Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes. A delighted Helen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all coloured green and gold.


Then notices in small writing on each and every one.........


MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM



:D[/color:post_uid0]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000:post_uid0]god, thats the best joke i've heard in a while.[/color:post_uid0]

[sik astina]

[color=#0000FF:post_uid0]Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car,please.

She opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license.

He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered the owner.

Woman: I suppose the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.[/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]MILF anyone??

--------------------------------------
Subject: lesson learned

My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once..

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family.

Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car

:D :D[/color:post_uid0]