Jokes & funny stories - As rude and uncensored as you like!!!!

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid2]Condom Week Slogans

· 1. Cover your stump before you hump.
· 2. Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper.
· 3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
· 4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
· 5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
· 6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
· 7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
· 8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
· 9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
· 10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
· 11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
· 12. If you go into heat, package your meat.
· 13. While you're undressing venus, dress up that penis.
· 14. When you take of her pants and blouse, be sure to suit up your trouser mouse.
· 15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
· 16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
· 17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
· 18. The right selection! Protect your erection.
· 19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
· 20. A crank with armor will never harm her.
· 21. If yo really love her, wear a cover.
· 22. Don't make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.
· 23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
· 24. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
· 25. No glove, No love.
· 26. Don't be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.
· 27. AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.
· 28. Even though you're tired and sleepy, take the time to wrap your pee-pee.
· 29. You know you shouldy wear a condom on that woody.[/color:post_uid2]

[sik astina]

[color=#0000FF:post_uid5]lol *:laugh: *[/color:post_uid5]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid3]Come on guys, post your jokes up!!! Here's a Kiwi joke [don't mean to offend any kiwi's here, it's all good fun!!!]

---------------------------------------------
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half". The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you gotyourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "New Zealand sir".
"You're joking! Why did you leave New Zealand?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and rugby players over there."
"My wife is from New Zealand!!"
The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"


Cheers,
Adam[/color:post_uid3]

[BigMal]

[color=#000000:post_uid1]Bumper Stickers That Should Exist


1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me.
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
9) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
11) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
15) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
16) My kid had sex with your honor student.
17) Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later.
18) I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
21) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
23) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
28) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
30) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
31) Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
32) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
36) CAT----- The Other White Meat.
37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon.
38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes.
39) I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want?
40) Remember My Name------You'll Be Screaming It Later.
41) Welcome To **** Creek-----Sorry, We're Out of Paddles.
42) If You Think I'm A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My
Mother.
43) Jesus loves you. Just everybody else thinks you're an asshole.[/color:post_uid1]

[BigMal]

[color=#000000:post_uid1]A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."[/color:post_uid1]

[BigMal]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"

"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, **** mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a sternvoice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ****in' arse it won't be Coco Pops!"[/color:post_uid0]

[Rupewrecht]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]A crusty old bastard walks into a bank and shouts to the woman teller
"I WANT TO OPEN A F*CKING CHEQUE ACCOUNT"!

The astounded teller replies, " I beg your pardon sir. I must have
misunderstood you, What did you say?"

The old man yells back, "LISTEN UP,YOU F#CK!, I SAID I WANT TO OPEN A
F#CKING CHEQUE ACCOUNT NOW"!

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in
this bank." And the teller leaves the window and goes over to the manager
to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does
not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window
and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem
here?"

"THERE IS NO F#CKING PROBLEM YOU QUEER ARSEHOLE!" The old man yells,
"I JUST WON 16 MILLION BUCKS IN THE LOTTO AND I JUST WANT TO OPEN A F#CKING
CHEQUE ACCOUNT IN THIS F#CKING BANK"!

"I see," says the manager, "and this f*cking fat bitch is giving you a
hard time, is she?"[/color:post_uid0]

[Rupewrecht]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Friend, When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who did this to you.

When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is
choking you.

When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got a $hag.

When you are scared, ...I will take the p*ss out of you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to shut the hell up.

When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain it to you, you thick tw*t.

When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want to catch it.

When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at you, you clumsy cu*t.[/color:post_uid0]

[BigMal]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."[/color:post_uid0]

[BigMal]

[color=#000000:post_uid1]> DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
>
> 40-ish......................... 49
> Adventurous.....................Slept with all your mates
> Athletic.........................No tits
> Average looking............Has a face like an arse
> Beautiful.......................Pathological liar
> Contagious Smile..........Does a lot of pills
> Educated......................Was fu*ked to bits at Uni'
> Emotionally Secure........On medication
> Feminist.........................Fat
> Free spirit......................Junkie
> Friendship first...............Former slut
> Gentle...........................Dull
> Good Listener...............Autistic
> New-Age......................Body hair problems
> Old-fashioned................No BJs or ana1
> Open-minded.................Desperate
> Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
> Passionate......................Sloppy drunk
> Poet...............................Depressive
> Professional............... ..Bitch
> Romantic.......................Frigid
> Social............................Pussy like a clowns pocket
> Voluptuous....................Very Fat
> Large lady.....................Hugely Fat
> Wants Soulmate.............Stalker
> Widow...........................Murderer[/color:post_uid1]

[Toyboy]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Thats a beauty mal,like yours too rupe,might have to do some searching :p[/color:post_uid0]

[Toyboy]

[color=#000000:post_uid2]Got one for ya's

Avon Calling *

An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy.
Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face.

"Holy cow! What's that smell?"

"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"

"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."

[U] :p *:p *:p[/color:post_uid2]

[BigMal]

[color=#000000:post_uid1]*TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

*10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

*9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC

*8th - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

*7th - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

*6th - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

*5th - "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

*4th - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

*3rd - "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

*2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head!" -JFK, 1963

*And... drum roll...

*The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word...

*"Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"- Wayne Carey, 2002[/color:post_uid1]

[Rupewrecht]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Thank-you for your enquiry for entrance into the Broadmeadows Institute of Tafe. Below are sample questions that you will be asked in your entrance exam.

1. Mick wants to put a Jim Beam sticker or a Porn Star sticker on his car, which one will get him more roots?

2. Spiro has got a big date on Saturday and wants to look ripped in his skin tight lycra top, how much will he need to bench press at the gym on Friday night?

3. Milan wants to go to QBH on Saturday night, how many cousins does he need to take with him in case he gets thrown out and wants to fight the bouncers?

4. How many chicks does Jimmy need to say he scored on the weekend if he wants to sound cool to his work mates at Ford on Monday? ! ; > 5. George is going to the METRO Underage Disco on Saturday,will he get in easier if he wears his KAPPA tracksuit or his ADIDAS tracksuit?

6. If Stella (who is 26 years old) is only allowed to go out for 8 hours on a weekend and on Friday night she goes out with her 14 cousins to Gamma Bar for 3 hours, how long can she go to Chapel Street for a coffee on Sunday night?

7. Mohamed has 7 children and gets $600 a week from Social Security, if he goes to the TAB and puts half on a donkey in the 5th race at Flemington that pays 22 to 1 because Ali says it's a fix, how many stolen car stereos does he need to sell when the horse fails to finish?

8. Jim has just got a big payout from WorkCover for a bad back, does he: a) spend the money on a holiday back home to Greece? b) use the money to renovate his Templestowe house? c) go to the Casino and try to double it?

9. From how far can you hear Ricky Martin being played in Jim's Valiant if he has just fitted two 500 watt amps and twin 15" subwoofers?

10. Steve's mates are going down to Rye for the day, how much gel will he need to take with him if he goes into the water from a swim and still wants to look cool after for the carnival later?

11. If Con works in a fruit shop in Lalor, how much overtime will he need to do to pay Ali the delivery driver for the hot 18" Simmons wheels he just scored?

12. How much faster will Mario's car go if he colour codes the mirrors, the brake rotors and windscreen wipers?

13. Gino has seven stocking garters hanging off his Gemini rear vision mirror. How many more weddings will he need to go to until he can't fit any more on it?

14. How much better will George's stereo system sound if he puts an ALPINE sticker on the back window of his Bluebird?

15. Mohammed wants to drop a burn out at Bell Street McDonald's, how many RPM will he need to get to before he drops the clutch if his fat cousin is in the back seat?

16. Mario is going to HEAT on Saturday night, how tight will his new hipster pants have to be so the door bitch won't check his ID?

17. If Soula leaves school at 14 to become a Beauty Therapist,how long will she need to work before she saves enough money to go on a holiday to Greece?

18. Con and his mates are going to the Kick Boxing at the Casino, how many fights will they try and start in the line to Inflations afterwards?[/color:post_uid0]

[BigMal]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Ever wondered why the letters ABCDEF are used to define bra
sizes: -

A - Almost boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake[/color:post_uid0]

[Toyboy]

[color=#000000:post_uid2]A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."
The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..."

The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff in big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling."

"Gambling?," he says. "What sort of gambling?"

"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!"

The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"

"Ok, have it your way," said the president, and they shook hands on it.

"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning," said the little old lady, and with that she left. Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. "Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president.

"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"

"No, perfectly understandable," said the president.

"Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.

"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.

"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."[/color:post_uid2]

[BigMal]

[color=#000000:post_uid1]Ok thats enough from me. Shame all my best ones
are pictures. How rude can we go on this ??

Mal
p.s I will take the black garter off my mirror now. I had
just forgotten to do it, but cant handle being linked to Gino.
What a crack up too, I have been to most of those clubs
in Melbourne, except the underage one :D Couldn't believe
they turned Heat into a serbian night on xmas night. Turned
up with mates and wanted to party but they were playing
serb music. :([/color:post_uid1]

[Toyboy]

[color=#000000:post_uid2]This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"
"No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The bartender looks at him and syas "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?"

"I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals."

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us[/color:post_uid2]

[Rupewrecht]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf. " The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. "My, what big ears you have, Mr Wolf." Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. "My, what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you f**k off?! I'm trying to have a sh*t![/color:post_uid0]

[sik astina]

[color=#0000FF:post_uid4]love the jokes guys, :D

----------------------------------------------------------
Henry Ford died and went to heaven. At the gates, an angel told Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your
invention-the assembly line-changed the world. As
a reward, you can hangout with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with
God Himself." The be-feathered fellow at the Gates took
Ford to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. Ford
then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Ford, "you have some major
design flaws in your invention:

1. there's too much front end protrusion

2. it chatters at high speeds

3. maintenance is very costly

4. it constantly needs repainting and refinishing

5. it is out of commission 5 or 6 of every 28 days

6. the rear end wobbles too much, and

7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm," replied God, "hold on." God went to the Celestial
Supercomputer, typed in a few keystrokes, and waited for
the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper.
"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replied to
Henry Ford, "but according to statistics, more men
are riding my invention than yours!"[/color:post_uid4]

[sik astina]

[color=#0000FF:post_uid5]It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there,who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?" "Thats for you," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "F**k him.. Give him five bucks." ................... the breakfast was my idea."[/color:post_uid5]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid3]Silly Stuff

------------------------------------------------
Phone answering machine message:
"...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn'tfind
any.
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying dead on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
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What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. *Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Lee-Chung-Hu. But I think it's Colin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round."
The other one says, "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two prostitutes standing on a street corner.
One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the boobs a couple of times!!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Two prostitutes still standing on a street corner.
One says to the other, "Do you smoke after having sex?"
The other replies "I don't know, I've never looked".
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctor, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.[/color:post_uid3]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid3][b:post_uid3]How to Shower like a Woman[/b:post_uid3]
- Take off your clothing and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
- Walk to bathroom wearing a long dressing gown. *If you see your husband along the way, cover exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
- Look at your womanly physique in mirror and stick out your gut so you can complain and whine even more about getting fat.
- Get in shower
- Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
- Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins
- Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins
- Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil.
- Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
- Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
- Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure it has all come off).
- Shave armpits and legs. *Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
- Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and you lost the water pressure.
- Turn off the shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
- Get out of the shower. *
- Dry with towel the size of a small African country.
- Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
- Check entire body for remotest sign of a zit. *Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
- Return to bedroom wearing long dressing and towel on head. *If you see your husband along the way, cover up exposed areas, then rush to bedroom to spend and hour and a half getting dressed.

[b:post_uid3]How to shower like a Man[/b:post_uid3]
- Take off clothes while sitting on edge of bed and leave them in a pile.
- Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake penis at her and make "woo hoo" sound.
- Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you hav pecs (no).
- Admire size of penis in the mirror, scratch arse and smell fingers for one last whiff.
- Get in the shower. Don't bother to look for washcloth (you don't use one). Wash face, then armpits.
- Crack up at how loud fart sounds in the shower.
- Wash privates and surrounding area. *Wash arse, leaving hair on the bar of soap.
- Shampoo hair ( do not use conditioner). Make a shampoo mohawk.
- Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
- Piss (in the shower).
- Rinse off and get out of the shower.
- Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of tub the whole time.
- Partially dry off.
- Look at self in the mirror, flex muscles.
- Admire penis size again.
- Leave shower curtain open, wet bath mat on floor. *
- Leave bathroom fan and light on.
- Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
- If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your penis, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
- Throw wet towel on the bed.
- Take 2 minutes to get dressed.[/color:post_uid3]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid3]A girl goes to the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. *"How did you get that mark on your chest?", asks the doctor. *
"Oh my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. *"How did you get that mark on your chest?", asks the doctor.
"Oh my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. *"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. *
She replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, why do you ask?"[/color:post_uid3]

[sik astina]

[color=#0000FF:post_uid2]WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
3. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
4. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
5. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
6. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
7. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate
without being called nasty names.
8. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
9. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk
during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
10. You can ask a stranger for chocolate
without getting your face slapped.
11. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
12. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
13. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
14. Good chocolate is easy to find.
15. You can have as many kinds of chocolate
as you can handle.
16. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
17. When you have chocolate it does not
keep your neighbors awake.
18. With chocolate size doesn't matter.
:p :p :p[/color:post_uid2]

[SehnKhan]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Two prostitutes are standing in the street. One turns to the other and says "I think it's going to be a busy night, I can almost smell the cum in the air". The other looks at her and syas "Nah, I just burped".[/color:post_uid0]

[ABC]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Check out these babies
Wait for it to load, takes a few minutes, then move your mouse to the desired spot.
Cheers
Andrew :)


http://mijav.dk/download/boobs.swf[/color:post_uid0]

[Toyboy]

[color=#000000:post_uid14]Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, Nice puppies :p[/color:post_uid14]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid7]Ha!! What a crack-up!!! You can spend hours on that thing!!!

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :O

Adam[/color:post_uid7]

[sik astina]

[color=#0000FF:post_uid4]LOL spend hours Mr payner :p you need to get out more :laugh: :;):[/color:post_uid4]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid2]Andrew,

You should have treated us to the whole deal!!

Get the sequel here... The Seqel (http://mijav.dk/download/pussy.swf)[/color:post_uid2]

[pr1mo]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]well for Mrpayner its eithr that or the bradman museum, i know what id choose[/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid3]what the.....?[/color:post_uid3]

[Rupewrecht]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]what the hell are you talking about, mike?!?!? ???

you need to cut back on the glue, dude :p[/color:post_uid0]

[pr1mo]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]haha just kidding! :D :p[/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid3]....and here's people think [i:post_uid3]I'm[/i:post_uid3] the fruit loop!

Geez pr1mo....

Have fun with it!

Adam[/color:post_uid3]

[apparition]

[color=#000000:post_uid1]Here are some jokes that my friend just sent to me via ICQ :D

Three male mice are sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila arguing about how tough they are.
The first mouse says: "I'm so tough, I break into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison." He slams down his tequila and looks at the second mouse.
The second mouse replies: "That's nothing. I'm so tough, I run through a mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip on to my back and bench press the killer springed trap wire." He slams down his tequila and looks at the third mouse.
The third mouse slams down his tequila, slides off his stool and begins walking away from the bar. The other mice scream: "Hey, Softy, where do you think you're going?!!"
The third mouse replies: "I'm going home to shag the cat."
---------------

This lady goes to a restaurant and orders a scoop of vanilla ice cream, a scoop of strawberry ice cream and a scoop of chocolate ice cream.
The waiter says: "I'm sorry, we have no chocolate."
So the lady says that's okay she will have a vanilla milk shake, a strawberry milk shake and a chocolate milk shake.
Once again the waiter tells her: "I'm sorry, we have no chocolate!"
And once again the lady changes her order and says she will have vanilla cake, strawberry cake, and chocolate cake.
This time the waiter gets mad and says loudly: "Lady, we have no chocolate. Let me try to explain this to you. Do you see the word van in the word vanilla?"
The lady replies: "Yes."
The waiter then asks her if she sees the word straw in the word strawberry. She once again replies "yes."
Then he asks her if she sees the word f*** in the word chocolate.
The lady says: "There's no f*** in chocolate."
And the waiter shouts: "Exactly! THERE'S NO F***IN CHOCOLATE!!!!!!"
:laugh:[/color:post_uid1]

[bRaDiNhO]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Blonde joke -

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:
"But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect) "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees".
She did.
"Now take down my zipper".
She did.
"Now go ahead ... take it out...." he said.
She reached it and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well, go ahead". The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it, and while holding it closeto her lips, tentatively said.....
"Hello, mum can you hear me?"[/color:post_uid0]

[Critter]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."[/color:post_uid0]

[Toyboy]

[color=#000000:post_uid2]Coco Pops
A seven year old and a four year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

“You know what?", says the seven year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."

The four year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"

"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, s**t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!

" I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your f**kin' ass it won't be Coco Pops."[/color:post_uid2]

[sik astina]

[color=#0000FF:post_uid5]A truckie is driving along a country highway.
Despite signs warning that kangaroos and wombats
Cross the road for the ‘next 5 km’ he sees any number
of dead bodies on the road. So he slows down.
Which is just as well because, suddenly, he spots
Something moving, right smack bang in the middle
of the highway. He slams on the anchors, bringing
The truck to a halt a few feet away from a young
couple furiously bonking. He winds down the
window and starts yellow obscenities at them. The
young bloke stands up and apologizes. ‘Sorry, mate. I
was coming, she was coming, and you were coming.
But you were the only one that had brakes.’[/color:post_uid5]

[astina]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]there was a guy and his woman and they had had just finished having sex so the guy rolls over and reaches into his jeans pocket and pulls out a smoke but he cant find his lighter so he askes his girl if she had one and she replied "yeah in the top droor next to the bed". so the guy opens the droor and there was a box of matches sitting on top of a photo of a guy. so he lights up his smoke and askes his girl if the guy in the photo was her father she says no then he askes if it was her husband she says no he askes if it was her boyfriend she says no so the the guy says who the **** is it then and the girl replies. Thats me before my opperation. ???[/color:post_uid0]

[Rupewrecht]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion
surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and
standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a
limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.

The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one, "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But to be hung like a black man is beyond me".[/color:post_uid0]

[TURBO MAZDA]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back
and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would!
I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on

three million dollars. But realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag."[/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid2]LEAVING THE OFFICE EARLY

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. *
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."[/color:post_uid2]

[BigMal]

[color=#000000:post_uid1]Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them
collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are
glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the
emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I
do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's
make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Mal :laugh:[/color:post_uid1]

[Rupewrecht]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St Peter.

St Peter asks first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says "Susan! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jackie sticks her arse in it"[/color:post_uid0]

[EZZY]

[color=#000080:post_uid0]"Crossing The Sahara Desert"

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara
desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel
suddenly dropped dead without warning. After
dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest
surveyed their situation. After a long period of
silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks
pretty grim."

"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely
that we
can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree," says the Father, "Sister, since we are
unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do
something for me?"

"Anything father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was
wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it
would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed
the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting
frequently on their beauty.

"Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She
consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes sister?"

"I have never seen man's privates. Could I see
yours?"

"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied,
lifting his robe.

"Oh father, may I touch it?"

This priest consented and after a few minutes of
fondling, he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my privates in
the
right place, it can give life."

"Is that true father?"

"Yes, it is, sister."

"Then why don't you stick it in that camel and let's
get the hell out of here?"[/color:post_uid0]

[EZZY]

[color=#000080:post_uid0]Damn Women Drivers!!
>
>
>Driving to the office this morning on the I-81,
>I looked over to my left and there was a woman
>in a brand new BMW doing 85 MPH per hour with her face
>up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eye liner!
>
>
>
>I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back
>she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that
>makeup !!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my
>electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
>
>
>
>In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees
>against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my
>ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned
>'Big Jim and the Twins', ruined the phone and
>
>DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.
>DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>Have A Great Day!
>(Drive safe, keep the lid on your coffee)[/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it,he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
That's it! She blows her top! "You b*stard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh no - it's started!"[/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.
Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys.
"No", signals the woman, desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "No" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her pants, and slowly runs his tongue up and down between the woman's bum-cheeks. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breath again.
The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer. His partner says in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before.[/color:post_uid0]

[EZZY]

[color=#000080:post_uid0]IF CLEO WERE WRITTEN BY A MAN........

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If your still not sure, then just perform oral on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Sperm can help you loose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should, he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral on him and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep never giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.[/color:post_uid0]

[BigMal]

[color=#000000:post_uid1]Not as good as above but still funny.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk
by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the
man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them
to have safe sex". "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard
of that in health class at school"

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are
there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys.
One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy.

He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for
college men, the dad answers. TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for
Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy.

"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad
replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one
for March..."[/color:post_uid1]

[Rupewrecht]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]a clean joke! :O :p
---

The parrot was a present from a friend.

Fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive, and those that weren't, were....rude. The new owner tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, he put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet.

Not a sound for half a minute. Frightened that he might have hurt the bird, he quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out and said:

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

Astonished at the bird's change in attitude, the owner was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued...

"May I ask what the chicken did?"[/color:post_uid0]

[IZG-00D]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]November 20, 2002 - Wireless Flash
Woman Attempts All-`Man-Juice' Diet

SANTA MONICA, Calif. (Wireless Flash) -- A woman in Santa Monica, California, is attempting to lose weight in a manner others may not be able to stomach -- an all-semen diet.
Starting December 1, a plump porn star named Kim Kelly hopes to lose between 10 and 20 pounds by spending 30 days on a diet consisting largely of semen -- or as she prefers, "man juice."

It may be hard for you to swallow but Kelly is shooting for at least six square meals a day -- with occasional pigouts.

So far, more than 800 men have offered to help Kelly with her diet and she's currently screening applicants thoroughly for STDs.

Although nutrition experts agree "man juice" is high in zinc and other nutrients, there's no officially recommended daily allowance.

Therefore, Kelly says plans to drink plenty of banana smoothies in between her regular meals because, in her words, "I'm not going to kill myself for this."


Link (http://ncbuy.com/news/wireless_news.html?qdate=2002-11-20&nav=VIEW&id=09136I5C1UF021120)[/color:post_uid0]

[Trav]

[color=#3A6EA5:post_uid0]lame but funny...

Q. How do you fit an elephant in a safeway bag?

A. Take the 'S' out of Safe and the 'F' out of Way...[/color:post_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]51 Days

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.

The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children's jigsaw puzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.

"The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"[/color:post_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Ok, the last joke ripped off blondes, so here's a couple for the ladies:

[b:post_uid0]Living with the Girlfriend[/b:post_uid0]

One night, this guy is invited out for a night with the guys. He promised his live-in girlfriend that he would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down smooth, and before he knew it, it was 2:30 a.m. Drunk as a skunk, he headed for home.

Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, he realized that she'd probably wake up, so he was quite proud of himself when he thought to cuckoo nine more times. Even in his drunken haze, he fell asleep smiling about how he had escaped a possible conflict.

The next morning, his girlfriend asked him what time he got in, and he replied, "Twelve." She didn't seem disturbed at all, which made the guy feel even better.

She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

"Why is that?" he asked.

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, said "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

[b:post_uid0]The Wife[/b:post_uid0]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.[/color:post_uid0]

[O-LYM-PIC]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!


5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!


10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.


11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"[/color:post_uid0]

[O-LYM-PIC]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]1. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

2. What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 kilos.

4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.


7. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

8. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for
life.

9. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

10. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring
and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

11. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

12. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

13. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.

14. What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.


15. Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator.

16. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in sixth grade. Who has
the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

17. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mum.

18. How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

19. How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

20. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

21. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.

22. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A Bingo Machine.

23. Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex too.

24. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

25. What three two-letter words mean small?
"Is It In?"

26. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

27. If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do
you have?
Divorce proceedings.

28. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania?
Everyone has the same DNA.

29. Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

30. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.

31. What does it mean when the flag at a US Post Office is flying at
half mast?
They're hiring.

32. What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.

33. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

34. Why aren't there any Aboriginals on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.

35. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

36. What do you call a New Zealand farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A Pimp.

37. What's the difference between a Japanese zoo, and an Australian zoo?

A Japanese zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage,
along with a recipe.

38. What's the Indonesian National Anthem?
Row row row your boat.[/color:post_uid0]

[apparition]

[color=#000000:post_uid2][b:post_uid2][i:post_uid2][u:post_uid2]I WANT A CAT LIKE THIS [/b:post_uid2][/i:post_uid2][/u:post_uid2]

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.
The first man was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third was a
Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff!"
T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that
was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff!"
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed
that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said, "Measure, do your stuff!"
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got
a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without
spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can
your cat do?"
The Government Worker called to his cat and said, Coffee Break, do your
stuff!"
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, ****
on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back
while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,
put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on
sick leave.
:D *:p *:laugh:[/color:post_uid2]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion dollars developing a pen that writes in zero-g, underwater and on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees.

The Russians used a pencil.[/color:post_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Just in case people haven't seen it:

"Rice-Boy" Page (http://www.riceboypage.com/)

I don't accuse anybody here of having "Rice", and even if they did, it IS an Astina after all, so you are forgiven![/color:post_uid0]

[Rupewrecht]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]The abolition of Euro trade barriers in 1996 means that all company cars will now be of German Origin. To this end the company has produced the following list of GERMAN MOTORING PHRASES:

1. Die BlinkenLeitein Tickentocken = Indicators
2. PullKnob und KnuckleChoppen = Bonnet
3. Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben = Exhaust
4. Das Kulink mit Schlippenund Shaken = Clutch
5. Der Phlatt mit Bloodyfukken = Puncture
6. Der Twatten mit Elplatz = Learner Driver
7. Das Bagsaroomfurschagginkin = Estate Car
8. Der flippenFlappenschitspreader = Windscreen Wipers
9. Der KlunkenKlinkenfrauleintrappen = Seat Belt
10. Das Buch fur Arsewipen = Highway Code
11. Die DippenuntDazzel Eiblinden = Headlights
12. Der Pedalpuschinpilloken = Cyclist
13. Der Fukkengratetrucken = Lorry
14. Der Bananawaltzen = Skid
15. Das Fukkennearenschitzenselfen = Near Accident[/color:post_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid2]A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station,
was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of
schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the
bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said,
"Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the
next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he
got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the
druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's
uniform?"

********************************

[b:post_uid2]Riddles To Tell Grandma (Only If She's Dead)[/b:post_uid2]

Q: Which part of a vegetable can you not eat?

A: The Wheelchair!

-----

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?

A. You know she'll swallow.[/color:post_uid2]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000:post_uid0]Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

A: Cuz they haven't got any balls[/color:post_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][b:post_uid0]"Jack or Jill?"[/b:post_uid0]

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee,
either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came to work
late.

The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the
manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break.
Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break.
Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day. They both
ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work
earliest, but both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to
the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a
terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."[/color:post_uid0]

[BigMal]

[color=#000000:post_uid1]That 10 rejected childrens books is pretty wild considering
that in the last week and a half we have.

1 child died in an esky drowning in the melted ice.

Another child was hit by a car when him and his dad
pulled over to get a turtle off the road.

And you had the father who murdered his son and then
comitted suicide in cronulla last week.

Saying this in regards to truth being wilder than fiction. It
touched home for me cause the the one in cronulla the
kid was a good mate of my sons, he came to Josh's birthday
couple of months ago and Josh was an absolute mess
when I picked him up last weekend. *Took all day Sat to
get him to come out of his shell.

Sorry about the negative remark on the jokes string

Mal[/color:post_uid1]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Sorry about that Mal, didn't mean to offend anybody. It's just a joke list I subscribe to that sends me some jokes every now and then.

I've edited out that particular section.[/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid2]Never Lie to your Mother
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's room-mate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his room-mate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, John volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just room-mates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
"You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said,
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." *So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mum"[/color:post_uid2]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

:D[/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN:
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently ageing but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war, haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become A! Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.[/color:post_uid0]

[Toyboy]

[color=#000000:post_uid14]ROFLMAO,good 1 payne boy :laugh:[/color:post_uid14]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000:post_uid0]The president of the english soccer league addressed the presidents of each of the clubs:

"Our new club symbol scheme has been very successful. Using things like a windmill for windale and a wall for west wallsend."

He suddenly stiffened, and his voice became stern.

"However, I'm afraid me must draw the line when it comes to the proposed symbol for Arsenal."[/color:post_uid0]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000:post_uid0]The company owner addressed the shareholders:
"This time last year, we were poised at the edge of precipice. But now, we are about to take a great leap forward."[/color:post_uid0]

[BigMal]

[color=#000000:post_uid1]Nah its cool mate.
I was just stating jokes are funny because they are
close enough to the truth so that you *see it happening.
And in that joke I could. *Its just like that car ad about being
blown away on the same page as the bali bombing.
Seperate they have little in common but the wrong place
at the wrong time and bang, has a whole new meaning.
Pun intended.

Regards

Mal[/color:post_uid1]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]A Baptist preacher and a catholic preacher are driving out on a road.

The catholic preacher sees a cat in the middle of the road, and slams
on his brakes. The cat is avoided, but the Baptist preacher hits the
back of the catholic preacher.

They step out of their cars, and begin talking. "Oh, I am so sorry,
that was my fault," says the Baptist preacher.

While waiting for the cops after they called by cell phone, the
preachers soon start talking about their professions to pass the time.


"You know, I never understood why catholic preachers don't drink wine
to represent Christ's blood." The catholic preacher responds, "Well, we
believe that drinking wine is wrong, and just use grape juice instead."
"I have a bottle of wine in my glove compartment right now. Tell you
what, let's drink a little right now while waiting for the cops."

"Oh, no I couldn't, replies the catholic, but after pressuring him, the
catholic preacher soon agrees.

The Baptist preacher takes out the wine and a couple of Dixie cups, and
pours a little into each. The catholic preacher drinks it down quickly.
"That wasn't that bad, you're right," the catholic preacher says.
Noticing the baptist hasn't drank his wine, he asks, "Aren't you going
to have some?"

"Oh sure," the other replies, "I'll wait until after the cops come
though."[/color:post_uid0]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000:post_uid0]I think u have the same joke book as me, Mr Shadow...[/color:post_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their
honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to
do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each
other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the
washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left
the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell
asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and
she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing
machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it
by hand."[/color:post_uid0]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000:post_uid0]heh heh...
the good old jokes![/color:post_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Aviation Realted:

Pilots Like to Slip it In

Pilots Like it on Top


hehehehe.........[/color:post_uid0]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000:post_uid1]is this convo breaking a length record or something? nine pages...god[/color:post_uid1]

[chuky]

[color=#FF0000:post_uid0]A city slicker decided that because he was sick of the hustle and bustle of the city, that he'd move to the country and start breeding pigs. He purchased an old farm and 40 breeding sows, however after a few weeks none of the sows were pregnant and so he called in the services of the local vet. The vet reccomended artificial insemination and told the
man that when the pigs became pregnant, they'd stop walking around and would lie on their backs in the mud.

The man decides this is fair enough and the next morning loads all the pigs into his truck, takes them to a remote forest, gives them a quick sh@g each and takes them home. The next morning the man, feeling a bit tired after his efforts, goes outside to check on the pigs. When he finds them walking around as usual, he again loads them into the van, takes them to the forest and gives it to each pig twice this time. Thoroughly exhausted, the man returns home and goes straight to bed. When, as you'd expect, the man found the pigs walking around normally the next morning, he repeated the process of the truck, woods and screw$ each pig 3 times returns home and collapses.

He regains conciousness sometime the next morning and as he doesn't have the strength to check on the pigs himself, he asks the wife to go out and check on them and report on the findings... When the wife comes back the farmer asks her if their is anything unusual about the pigs, to which she replies, "i'll say, their all in the back of the truck and one of them is honking the horn" :D[/color:post_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Ohh, man, that's nasty..... damn funny though... :p[/color:post_uid0]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000:post_uid0]and we thought new zealand was the only place that beastiality could happen...[/color:post_uid0]

[sik astina]

[color=#0000FF:post_uid0]A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit Lebanon this afternoon. 350,000 Lebanese have died and over a million have been reported injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help.

The rest of the world is in shock; Canada is sending troops to
assist the country, Europe is sending food and money, and Australia is sending 350,000 replacement Lebanese.[/color:post_uid0]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000:post_uid0]LMAO![/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up.----- Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with Fine.
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word Fine.
GO AHEAD or WHATEVER (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a Raised Eyebrow.
GO AHEAD
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." (Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".)

:D
Adam[/color:post_uid0]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000:post_uid0]how the hell will we remember that?!?[/color:post_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Don't worry Sandyman, you'll remember, trust me :([/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid2][color=purple:post_uid2][b:post_uid2]The Art of Lovemaking[/b:post_uid2][/color:post_uid2]

The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy."

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The Aussie says, "Dat's nuttin mate. When I finish doin my misses, I gets out of bed, walks over to da window and wipes me dick on the curtains. She hits da f@#kin roof!![/color:post_uid2]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only." Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.

The Doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works, "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside. The only rule is, once you leave a floor, you can't return to it."

The women talk it over and decide to go for it. They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the Second floor reads! "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly." This wasn't going to do so again they head for the stairs.

The friends move up to the Third floor where the sign read "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women." This was good but there were still two more floors...

So on to the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight"

The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth.

When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads:

"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is simply no way to please a woman."[/color:post_uid0]

[Rupewrecht]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]In Sweden it is a bit of a custom for the groom to be kidnapped and whisked off somewhere for his stag night - these usually last all day... ..... and all night.

Rather than the typical Aussie stag night where you all arrange it beforehand, go out get drunk and hire a stripper, the Swedes do it differently. The groom has no idea until he gets nabbed. He might be dressed up in something crazy, and go do something fun...and then the fun starts!

This particular guy is a keen sailor and when he was kidnapped for his stag night they pasted a false "skippers-beard" on him and put him at the helm of a 60 foot yacht and let him be skipper for the day - much beer and fine food was consumed.

But nothing nasty happened to him at all. In the evening when they got back on land and were getting cleaned up for the night club, they all had a sauna as is customary in Sweden.

Imagine the groom's horror when he walked into the sauna where his naked buddies were waiting for him to see that best mate number one had no hair on his genitals. Neither did friend
two, or three, or four.

Can you guess where they got the fake beard from?[/color:post_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]eeeewwwww, that's sick man......... hehehehe[/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]This girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 plum
1 peach
1 grapefruit
1 tomato
1 lettuce
1 cabbage
1 kraft single
1 samosa
1 muesli bar
1 pie
1 single frozen dinner
1 single frozen pizza


The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single, huh?"

The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, 'How'd you guess?'

He says, 'Because you're ugly.'[/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly Sharon replied, "That's me before the surgery."[/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came to feed the alligator."[/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]DENNIS RODMAN

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room.
He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok".
She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.
Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement."

A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.

Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.

"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"
He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".[/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][b:post_uid0]WHY YELLING AT MEN DOESN'T WORK[/b:post_uid0]

This is so clearly true!!!

[i:post_uid0]What a woman says:[/i:post_uid0]

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

[i:post_uid0]What a man hears:[/i:post_uid0]

blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah,blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW[/color:post_uid0]

[LantisV6 NZ]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]When people say stupid things.....


If you'd offered me a 69 at the start this morning I'd have been all over you." Sam Torrance (Golfer), BBC2

"The band never actually split up-we just stopped speaking to each other and went our own separate ways." Boy George, Radio 2

"Damien Hirst tends to use everyday objects such as a shark in formaldehyde." Fashion Commentator, Radio 4

"Street hockey is great for kids. It's energetic, competitive, and skilful. And best of all it keeps them off the street." Radio 1 Newsbeat

"Do you believe David Trimble will stick to his guns on decommissioning?" Interviewer, UTV

"It was the fastest-ever swim over that distance on American soil." Greg Phillips, Portsmouth News

"...fears that the balloon may be forced to ditch in the Pacific. Mr. Branson, however, remains buoyant and hopes to reach America..." Radio 4 News

"Well, you could count them on the fingers of less than one hand..." Jack Elder, New Zealand Police Minister

"And Nakano tries to avoid being passed by his teammate Trulli, which should in fact be quite easy, because Trulli is going more slowly than this team-mate Nakano" Murray Walker, ITV

"A fascinating duel between 3 men..." David Coleman, Hammer Throw, World Athletics, BBC

"I'm glad two sides of the cherry have been put forward" Geoff Boycott, Radio 5 Live

"It has been the German Army's largest peacetime operation since
World War 2" ITN

"There are the boys, their balls between their legs" Amanda Redington, GMTV

"Israeli troops have this morning entered the Arab township of Hebron, in search of the perpetrators of the recent suicide bomb attacks in Jerusalem, whom they believe are in hiding there" CNN News

"Do Britain's drug laws need a shot in the arm?" Radio 4

"Ian Mackie is here to prove his back injury is behind him" Commentator at Spar Athletics

"Azinger is wearing an all black outfit: black jumper, blue trousers, white shoes and a pink 'tea-cosy' hat" Renton Laidlaw

"The advantage of the rain is, that if you have a quick bike, there's No advantage" Barry Sheene

"Her legs are kept tightly together: she's giving nothing away" Gymnastics commentator, BBC1

"Moreano thought that the full back was gonna come up behind and give him one really hard" Ron Atkinson

"Adams is stretching himself, looking for Seaman" Brian Moore

"I wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to the finish" Ian St John

"Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored" Terry Venables

"The Croatians don't play well without the ball" Barry Venison

"Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders" Kevin Keegan

"Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose" Kevin Keegan

"I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's completely different" Kevin Keegan

"Zidane is not very happy, because he's suffering from the wind" Ron Atkinson

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it: you can see it all over their faces" Ron Atkinson

"They've picked their heads up off the ground and they now have a lot to carry on their shoulders" Ron Atkinson

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw" Ron Atkinson

"The swimmers are swimming out of their socks." Sharron Davies, BBC

"In cycling, you can put all your money on one horse." Stephen Roche, Eurosport

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." Barry Venison, ITV

"In life he was a living legend; in death, nothing has changed." Live TV

"Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match." Ian Wright, ITV

"It's amazing how, in this part of the world, history has been part of its past." David Duffy, Eurosport

"And that was played by the Lindsay String Quartet... or at least two thirds of them." Sean Rafferty, Radio 3

"Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball" Ian St John

"They (Leeds) used to be a bit like Arsenal, winning by one goal to nil or even less." Nasser Hussain, Channel 5

"So, this movie you star in, The Life Story of George Best, tell us what it's about." George Gavin, Sky Sport

"And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago" (David Coleman)

"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite" (Murray Walker)

"After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought" Bobby Robson)

And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand" (David Coleman)

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush)

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."

"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised" (Ian McNail)

I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat" (Ron Atkinson)

"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost" (Frank Bruno)

"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman)

"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people" (David Coleman)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel" (Stuart Pearce)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" Greg Norman

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)

"Watch the time -it gives you an indication of how fast they are running" (Ron Pickering)

"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers" (Murray Walker)

"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales" (Ron Greenwood)

"A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin" (Jo Sheldon)

"The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation" (Ron Pickering)

" That's inches away from being millimetre perfect" (Ted Lowe)

"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him" (Stuart Pearson)

"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right" (Marlon Starling)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)

"I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge" (John Snagge - Boat Race)

"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - is absolutely round." (Tony Cozier)

:laugh:[/color:post_uid0]

[IZG-00D]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]if anyone gets offended by this, i apologize.


Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it
is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head.
Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" -
get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like **** so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high
school girls if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth,
don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games
immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to
speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care
about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."



A Man's thoughts on Fellatio AKA Rebuttal Etiquette (by a
male)

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a
lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean
anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be
thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your
mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight
days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you
that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your
mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had
better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the
morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about
getting any on your face, now will you?[/color:post_uid0]

[Toyboy]

[color=#000000:post_uid14]Not bad :laugh:[/color:post_uid14]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000:post_uid0]wonder what the girls at this forum will say about that :)[/color:post_uid0]

[IceWish]

[color=#336633:post_uid0]. What doesn't belong in this list:

Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?

A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or
wife, but you can't beat a blowjob

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in
common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What's the difference between your
paycheck and your cock?

A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm
count?

A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy
Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had
sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.(Ask Ezzy)

Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

Q. Whats the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.

Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermits Finger

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in
common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber
breaks, you're screwed.[/color:post_uid0]

[IceWish]

[color=#336633:post_uid0]A day at the Beach

Toyboy and his wife *took their six-year-old son to a nude
beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had bigger boobs than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "the bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Pleased with the answer, the boy goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "parts" thanhis dad. His mother replied "the bigger they are, the dumber the person is."

Satisfied with this answer the boy returned to the ocean to
play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother , "Daddy is *talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the *dumber he gets".[/color:post_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]:D *:D *:D @ IceWish.

Here's another one:

*
[b:post_uid0]Rich Man and Poor Man[/b:post_uid0]

A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. The Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?" He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works." The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?" The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go **** herself!"[/color:post_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Just come across another one:

[b:post_uid0]"Mom, I'm gay"..... [/b:post_uid0]

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, so he went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth after they may have been in their rectal canal?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!"[/color:post_uid0]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000:post_uid0]hey icewish, what was that thing about a mechanic ...
"Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.(Ask Ezzy)"

whatsit? u mean he fingered her or what?if he had sex with her....[/color:post_uid0]

[sik astina]

[color=#0000FF:post_uid2]lol @ pete, i like it! :D[/color:post_uid2]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Art exhibition. A woman was admiring a painting of three nude black men. She was a little put off as one had a white penis. She asked the painter why she had given one of the black men a white penis.

"Oh, no, they're not black men, they're miners" Replied the painter, "This picture was painted after their lunch break. The one with white penis went home for lunch."

:p[/color:post_uid0]

[IceWish]

[quote:post_uid0="Sandyman"][color=#000000:post_uid0]hey icewish, what was that thing about a mechanic ...
"Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.(Ask Ezzy)"

whatsit? u mean he fingered her or what?if he had sex with her....[/color:post_uid0][/quote:post_uid0]
[color=#336633:post_uid0]Well i guess he fingered her first....unless he uses his finger instead of his dick.....Thats like using your dick instead of your brain......[/color:post_uid0]

[Critter]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger King. He noticed that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her,until each had half of them.

Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup, and set it in front of his wife.
The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man than asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn using the teeth."[/color:post_uid0]

[Toyboy]

[color=#000000:post_uid14]A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What kind is the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked
"That's a daddy longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mummy longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then stomped them flat.
"Well, we're not having THAT sort of poofter **** in our garden."
:laugh:[/color:post_uid14]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000:post_uid0]****! LOL![/color:post_uid0]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000:post_uid0]Dr Kruzengate was giving his class a lecture on semen.

"Now, the chemical composition of semen is made up mostly of sugar proteins..."

A girl who was sitting toward the front called out "then why does it taste salty?"

She wasn't seen in that class for the rest of the semester[/color:post_uid0]

[Toyboy]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After
all of the background checks, interviews, and
testing were done there were three finalists
-- two men and one woman. For the final test,
the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions,
no matter what the circumstances. Inside this
room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
You have to kill her."

The first man said."You can't be serious. I
could never shoot my wife,"

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right
man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent
came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but
I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You
don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she
was told to kill her husband. She took the gun
and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all
was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow
and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was
loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death
with the chair."
:p :p[/color:post_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]whats the difference between a reliant robin and a golf ball?
you can drive a golf ball more than 200 metres.

how do you double the value of a reliant robin?
put a litre of petrol in it.

why does a reliant robin have a heated rear screen?
to keep your hands warm when you're pushing it.


PS for those who don't know, a Reliant (pff, yeah right) Robin is the little three wheeler car featured in the Mr Bean series, the blue one he always crashes into.[/color:post_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part
of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God
decided to install voice mail?

Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others


I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners
right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it
in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy Spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, and then
enter his social security # followed by the pound sign. If you receive a
negative response, please hang up and dial the police and report them
missing as they still on earth somewhere.


For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers,
316.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other
planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please
hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.


If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please
contact your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.
:p[/color:post_uid0]

[Rupewrecht]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed", she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way, enjoying a great weekend of skiing.

Nine months later...

Jack received a letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good looking widow woman that let us sleep in her barn on our ski trip up north?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."



(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)[/color:post_uid0]

[Rupewrecht]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Every single one is completely and utterly true:

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint to toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) Your never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup a soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong !

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip

36) You always feel sexy in new shoes

37) You can never find a toilet when you need a crap

38) You'll always see the partner of your dreams when you look your worst

39) You don't mind the smell of your own farts

40) Your car will never run out of petrol near a garage or outside your house

41) Your keys are always visable through a window when you lock yourself out

42) You always sing louder when nobody's indoors

43) Your bin is full

44) You make more of an effort to look better on Friday's

45) Big fat women smell like tuna

46) No wonder you're tired you work over 2000 hours a year

47) Your freezer contains either an apple studel, choc-ices or a vienetta

48) Nobody appreciates you more than you

49) You hate someone and fancy someone in your office

50) You fish for compliments by looking in the mirror and calling yourself ugly and fat in front of someone


Show this to 10 friends and you won't become fat and smell like tuna[/color:post_uid0]