Joke page - Post ya jokes

[sik astina]

[color=#0000FF:post_uid2]thought i start another one. *:;):

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A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little
boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the
lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again".[/color:post_uid2]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Oh, god, I've gotta chnage me reg grundies after that one, still laughing!! :laugh: :laugh:[/color:post_uid0]

[supergirl]

[color=#000080:post_uid0]Whats the definition of embarrassment?

Walking into a wall with a boner and hitting your nose! :D :D :D[/color:post_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#810541:post_uid0]Hey, I do that all the time :;): :O :D[/color:post_uid0]

[mrpayner]

http://www.amihotornot.com.au/album/photos/18162-2003511145343.jpg

:lol: This says it all!

Adam

[SehnKhan]

Hehe, good one Adam!

[Toyboy]

How good is your aim :lol:

http://195.92.224.73/j20/content/host.asp

Have fun :wink:

[JynX]

Walking into a wall with a boner and hitting your nose!

I wouldnt call it embarassing.... youd be pretty ashmed of the size of ur wang though.

I bet sandy gets it all the time.

[JynX]

41K on the piss game.

[Rupewrecht]

score: 61383

but thats pretty cool..well, amusing anyway :wink:

[MrShadow]

Love that copper one, teehee. Let you know on the aiming one...

[MrShadow]

63874, oh yeag, who's tha man?

MrShadow is THA MAN!

[mrpayner]

A listing of Masturbation terms for both boys and girls


For the Men:

abusing yourself
· answer the bone-a-phone
· batting practice
· beat off
· beating off
· beating the bishop
· beating the dummy
· being your own best friend
· blow your load
· bludgeon the beefsteak
· butter your corn
· calling down for more mayo
· calling all cum
· changing your oil
· charm the cobra
· choaking charlie 'till he throws up
· choke your chicken
· clean the pipes
· couch hockey for one
· crank the shank
· cranking
· cuff the carrot
· cuffing the puppy
· custer's last stand
· devil's handshake
· diddle
· dishonorable discharge
· doodle your noodle
· do the dew
· drain the vein
· dropping stomach pancakes
· feeding the ducks
· five against one
· five finger knuckle shuffle
· flute solo
· fondle the fig
· freeing willy
· giving yourself a hand
· ham shank
· hand job
· hands on training
· hand to gland combat
· hanging out with Rosie Palmer and her 5 sisters
· hit the ham
· holding all the cards
· holding your sausage hostage
· jackin' the beanstalk
· jerk off
· jerkin' the gherkin
· jerking off
· launching the hand shuttle
· leakin' the main drain
· loping your mule
· making soup
· making the bald guy puke
· manual override
· masonic secret self handshake
· massage your purple-headed warrior
· measuring for condoms
· meeting with Palmala Handerson
· oiling the pogo stick
· one handed clapping
· one man tug-o-war
· paddle the pickle
· playing with dick
· play the skin flute
· play the stand-up organ
· plunk your twanger
· polish the chrome dome
· popping the purple pimple
· pull the root
· pumping for pleasure
· punchin' the clown
· punch the porpoise
· ride the great white knuckler
· rolling the fleshy blunt
· seasonin' your meat
· self-love
· slap boxing the one-eyed champ
· slapping your meat
· sloppy joe's last stand
· spanking the monkey
· stroking it
· sturbing
· squeeze the cream from the flesh twinkie
· squeeze the weasle
· stroke your poker
· taking a shake break
· tenderize the meat
· tickle the elmo
· wacking off
· wank
· wanking
· whip your dripper
· whipping the one-eyed wonder weasle
· whizzin' jizzim
· wiggling your worm
· winding the jack in the box
· wrestling the eel
· yank my doodle (it's a dandy)
· yank off




Women



· 3 point shot
· a night in with the girls
· auditioning the finger puppets
· beating around the bush
· brushing the beaver
· carpet bumping
· checking for squirrels
· clam bake for one
· creamin'
· coming into your own
· dialing the rotary phone
· dousing the digits
· drilling for oil
· engaging in safe sex
· fanning the fur
· feeding the bearded clam
· fingerpainting
· flickin' the bean
· flit your clit
· frap
· gagging the clam
· get a date with slick mittens
· get to know yourself
· going mining
· groping the grotto
· greasing your hips
· grissle rub
· gusset typing
· hitchhiking south
· let the fingers do the walkin'
· manual override
· muffin buffin'
· nulling the void
· paddling the pink canoe
· pampering the pussy
· parting the red sea
· pearl fishing
· pet the pussy cat
· polishing the pearl
· play poker
· playing with her pineapple
· pussy soccer
· riding the unicycle
· rolling the dough
· rubbin' the nubbin
· soaking the whisker biscuit
· spelunking
· spearing the bearded clam
· squeeze the peach
· strumming the banjo
· surfing the channel
· teasing the tuna taco
· the virgin's release
· tickling the taco
· tiptoe through the twolips
· toggling the bit
· tossing pink salad
· trolling the bermuda triangle
· two finger taco tango
· washing your fingers


:lol: :lol:

Adam

[Sandyman]

Walking into a wall with a boner and hitting your nose!

I wouldnt call it embarassing.... youd be pretty ashmed of the size of ur wang though.

I bet sandy gets it all the time.

There's the thing; unlike you(it seems), I have the intelligence to avoid walking into walls. If this happens to you, maybe it might be less embarrassing if you walk sideways.

[JynX]

In the event i may have that problem, ill consider it. But unlike little boyz who ride in mummys car, my wang hits first unfortunately.

[Sandyman]

the 'little boyz' part was a bit low there. could you *legally drive when you were 15 years of age? how the **** are you supposed to get places.

remind me: why did we start bitching to each other?

[SehnKhan]

15? Legally? At 15?

[JynX]

i have been driving a car since i was 12. Who cares about legalities. Thats what farms are for.

[Rupewrecht]

my wang hits first unfortunately.

your computer hits first? why the hell do you carry it with you? :P

[JynX]

You call your computer wang? I know its a mac with flames n all that.... but really... Flaming piece of faeces is much more appropriate.

I know your attempting to imply im a geek... but just remind me who paraphrased monty python... i have heard rumours that its commonly referred to as the geek bible.

[Rupewrecht]

no, i was saying that the brand of computer you use is a Wang...because you're a geek :P

Haha is it? (MP) can't say i knew that...which makes you the geek because you knew it :P

so there :P :roll: :roll:

[JynX]

cant win.

[Rupewrecht]

you can't argue with stupidity :P :wink:

[SehnKhan]

What, you had a name change did you? j/k :lol:

[Sandyman]

jynx, you can not go anywhere other than your farm at 12 whilst driving. at least you can grow marijuana on farms. might give you something to do. a bit had in suburbia.

[JynX]

Ah thats where your wrong... youve obviously never been in the country then. Drive into town, around town... its all good. I didnt get much chance to do it as i didnt _live_ on a farm, my grandparents owned one when i was your age.

And you cant grow dope on farms either.... its illegal.

[Rupewrecht]

http://element.wh3rd.net/fortunecookie.jpg

[BigMal]

I walked into the Police Station in the country to get my Licence.
The Sargent asked me what I wanted and I said to get my licence.
He says but I have seen you driving around town for 6 months now.
I said "Not me Officer !!" I had actually been driving around town
and to school for the last year. I think my car was actually registered
in my name too even thou I was only 16.

Gotta love the country. Oh and my driving test. I drove to the station
by myself. My test consisted of 4 left turns around the block and a
pull over to the side of the road for 5 mins park. Couldn't go back too
soon !!

Mal

[Toyboy]

No offense to you mal,but that lack of testing that you described as the test for your licence is the reason why old people cant drive for **** :roll:
I bet if ya got a 50/60y/o person to redo the driving test again these days, they would fail miserably :wink:

[KittyKatSmack]

Not only are 99% of british banknotes soiled with trace amounts of cocaine, but apparently it's the bank of england's own note-counting machines in each bank which are to blame for redistributing the cociane from notes with high concentration to those with lower concentrations...

So there ya go!

[JynX]

I would have to disagree there theo. What you describe as "****" driving is meerly the results of old age. Reactions slow up, the mind thinks slower. In their prime, they would have probably been better drivers than most of us.

I believe todays testing standards are more inadequate then those in the past. Generally most people had years of driving under their belts before getting a licence. These days, most P platers have no more then 30hrs or so under their belts and hence more accidents occur. Couple that with todays high powered vehicles and its a recepie for disaster.

I like the idea being thrown around now about introducing power limits to licences similar to those on motorcycle licences. No more P platers driving around in high powered cars. Perhaps our roads will be safe to drive once more :)

[MrShadow]

At the risk of being shat on by everybody, I'd agree with JynX on that power restriction for L and the various types of P platers. The number of P platers who drive high-powered V8's and daddy's WRX's is unbeliveable.

[Trav]

in victoria, ther are power restrictions for P platers (info available from the VicRoads site), but it is just not policed - because it is too hard...

[mrpayner]

Yes, i'd like to agree with that too. I think it should be in place and enforced. This would mean though that some L and P platers will have to get there cars checked periodically for "extras" that have been added. I realise that this would be hard to keep in control as well, but it would mainly be keeping big turbos and high boost out of the reach of these particular drivers. Even cap a power restriction on young drivers or even engine size. Say no more than a 1.6 or 1.8 and not more than 110kw. Obviously it's going to piss some of the rev heads off out there, but would they rather die having the increased risk of a big engine/powered car that they simply can not control?? I'm even worried about some of the drivers who have a 1.3 and can't control their cars!!

I would also like to see compulsory driver training programs introduced that specify a set amount of hours that the driver must complete. I think we've covered this topic [much] earlier somewhere, but the obvious can be expected from these driver training courses. How to control oversteer/understeer sliding [or drift], hand brake turns, etc etc etc......

I think Germany has one of the most extensive programs for new and learner drivers out there. And it's not cheap either, something in the vacinity of a couple of grand just to get you started. That includes all driver training as mentioned above.

It would be interesting to see what sort of feedback the government and road authorities would get if they put out "feelers" for something like this

Adam

[Trav]

Adam - I think you and i are of one mind./ have voiced my opionion on policing and policy changes to the way australians can ge their licenses and re- testing. It is too much to type, so at the next meet remind me and I will voice my active opionion on this wher a verbal discussion would be better.

[sirex]

a power restriction on young drivers or even engine size. Say no more than a 1.6 or 1.8 and not more than 110kw.

Yeah, then us youngins wouldn't have insurance problems, either!

[Trav]

more to the point the young rev heads doing stupid things would not cause everyone's insurance to go up..

[Rupewrecht]

Q. How many grooves does a 45rpm record have?















A. only one :wink:

[Trav]

An elephant asks a camel: "why are your breasts on your back?"


"Well" *says the camel, *I thinkit is a strange question from
somebody who's dick is*on his face*...*"

[JynX]

Yeah, then us youngins wouldn't have insurance problems, either!

I dont think this will alter much. The premiums are already scaled according to engine capacity so I doubt it will make a difference.

[supergirl]

Even cap a power restriction on young drivers or even engine size. Say no more than a 1.6 or 1.8 and not more than 110kw.

Well I'm a young driver and yes I'll admit I'm on my p's :oops: but I drive a 2ltr and I know I'm a sensible driver as are all my friends who drive anything from a 1.3 to 5ltrs. There are the few (young drivers) that yeah I agree they shouldn't be allowed to drive what they do but there are older people that are just as bad if not worse. I find that most races/drags i have are with older people mainly men in their 30's so age is nothing when it comes to driving. And I hate this discrimination it really pisses me off. As an example I was driving the other night with some friends and a guy (at least 35) in a VT dragged off at the lights - I race until I reach speed limit - but this guy kept going. Cops were going past in the opposite lane and I was doing the speed limit - 80 (the VT was well over 100 and smoking up); the cops pull a u-turn and pull me over! I mean is that discrimination or what - they didn't even believe it was my car - they asked me if my parents knew that I had their car ... I'm sorry but it gets my goat and dont even get me started on insurance premiums .. :evil: :evil:

[Sandyman]

oh damn, thats slack. are you on red or green p's?

[Cosmo Dude]

I bet if ya got a 50/60y/o person to redo the driving test again these days, they would fail miserably :wink:

I think most people over 25 would have more success pushing poo up-hill than passing a driving test. Being lucky enough not to be in an accident is not an accomplishment :wink:

[MrShadow]

- they didn't even believe it was my car - they asked me if my parents knew that I had their car

I'd have handed them my license, and demanded they do a rego check. When it came back as registered in your name, just look smugly at them, don't say anything. Once they've made asses of themselves, most will just say "Ahh, yes, sorry. On your way now before we do you for loitering.". Just have to watch out for the prick cop who has to try and save face by booking you for something else.

[KittyKatSmack]

I am over 25 and had to redo a test when I got my motorcycle license in '97 and I got the shock of my life.... I got 100% without studying OMFG!!! Common sense does still prevail, and wonders will never cease, and miracles do occur... thought I saw a pig flyin' but that was just the flying radar plane :wink:

AND

there are 'still' rules that vary from state to state....
I will use the indicator on roundabouts as an example (won't bore you with the actual rule difference), but have to say that most (not all, but most) Canberran's don't seem to use ANY indicators on roundabouts, so I think I should be forgiven for not realising the different rules on the roundabouts....

*Kitty shuts up again now... well at least trys to for at least 5 minutes*

[ABC]

Hi guys,
I respect your view that more powerful cars leads to more chance of big acco's but don't think that a power limitation on licenses would change anything.
My first car had a 797cc engine which probably put out around 50kW on a good day and I still managed to do an awful amount of really stupid stuff in it and eventually roll it on its side. Sure it was one of those tiny little Suzuki vans which could be pushed over by a 10 year old but that's not the point. :D
Young drivers need to be taught the right attitude about things. Its fine to fang your car around - you just have to be sensible, know your car, and know your own ability.

As a person who's turning 26 on Friday I'd gladly resit a driving test (not that they actually test a whole lot). Oh, and Kitty - I still use my indicators when on a round about when turning left or right. On a big one where people can't tell where you've come from I use them on the way out.

just my $0.02 :P

[BigBoyLemonade]

I think all new licence holders should be required to take a defensive driver training course.. they should be taught
- that spinning the wheels isnt a sign of control of the car
- That if you hit anything solid over 60km/hr you can pretty much kiss your life away (in some cases under 60km/hr)
- taught to keep control of the car
- demonstrated correct driving techniques
- Taught the ability to read traffic and road conditions

Its got nothing to do with the vehicle.. all to do with the driver

I was a really bad driver but thought I was a good one... now I am a good driver but I think I am resonable...

Tony's Famous Quote "The best modification to a car is the driver"

[MrShadow]

Love (and agree with) that quote Tony.

[KittyKatSmack]

Birthday?

Friday?

Does anyone else feel a PARTY coming on here??

Or is Andy just HOLDING out on us, hmmmmm?

gatecrashing!

mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: