funniest thing you've heard lately?

[Rupewrecht]

best comment i've heard lately

"It'd be like doing Gretel Kileen missionary - Good fun, but you're doing it the wrong way around."

[MrShadow]

EEWWW, THAT'S GROSS


Oh, and it kinda looks bad when the administrator can't spell...

[ABC]

Must agree though. Definately a two paper bag jobbie. :D

[Rupewrecht]

hehe

and i can spell, i just can't trpe...ytpe...err type :P

[Sandyman]

maybe its cuz i'm not feeling too quick today, but i don't get it :?

[Rupewrecht]

i refuse to explain that - ask your father! :wink:

another one:

When the Police Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have
you been drinking?", you probably shouldn't respond with "Gee Officer your
eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[MrShadow]

Like the new avatar Dan, that you and your mates out for a night on the town huh?


How about:
"Stop it, you're giving me McStitch?"

or

"Yeah, that's right in the McNuggets?"

Funny Stuff

[KittyKatSmack]

Oh stop it stop it

It only hurts when I laugh..............................

:lol:

ouch!

I have a great joke I will post for ya's all next week, a bit long but a real beauty!!!!

Cheers, and I'm off to a party somewhere called Page...
where the heck is Page????

*Kitty, who has been in Canberra all of two minutes... but figures no one can tell*

:wink:

[astina]

no drinkstable i havent had any cu*ts tonight

take me drunk im home

[BigBoyLemonade]

when you waiting for your burger at macca's and they come out and give you the burger and they say "Sorry about the weight" you reply "Thats ok you will loose it one day"

[sirex]

when you waiting for your burger at macca's and they come out and give you the burger and they say "Sorry about the weight" you reply "Thats ok you will loose it one day"

"My G/F complains i'm too gay!"

[KittyKatSmack]

http://members.iinet.net.au/~trainspotter/Chinese_MSN.gif

No offence intended to anyone....

Still gonna post my long joke later on..... when I remember it all properly or find where I posted it elsewhere!

[Sandyman]

heh heh. thats a nice one. where did you find it?

[mrpayner]

Not really heard but more what i've seen..... on TV..... The new Hahn beer ad. The one where the chick is walking slowly towards the nice full relaxing looking bath, she gets comfortable then she gets dive bombed from her male partner! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I still laugh whenever i see that AD..


Adam

[Trav]

hmmm - very disturbed people...

BTW Dan - "Be Patriotic - wrap her head in the Flag and do it for your country"

bye all :)

[KittyKatSmack]

The horror of blimps


Last week while travelling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellors hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in it, and you have a radio controll indoor blimp.

I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!

Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together.

Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.

We blew it up with the tank attacched the gondola with the propellors, and put in batteries.

Then we balanced the blimp for neutral bouyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling.

It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.

My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly.

Let's face it, blimps are fun.

Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.

At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.

The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully.

Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currects it approached the bed.

In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.

I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you.

That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.

I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the maligant darkness.

Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.

So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.

On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was!

A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!

Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINSITER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY ****! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.

I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution know this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.

When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.

Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and lept out of bed in my underwear.

I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living **** out of it with all the stength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.

It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity.

Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)

Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack.

On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.

Unbelievably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident.

I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.

***
At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that is was now floating around the the walk-in closet that she approached.

The dyndamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.

This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.

I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will.

Some blimps are better off dead.

[MrShadow]

So, true story huh Kitty? :wink:

That's a good one. :lol: :lol:

[Trav]

I thought this was pretty funny ...

---
Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.
---

[Sandyman]

hah hah. where are you getting these things???

i want one of those!

[O-LYM-PIC]

this may seem like an odd question, but can u tell me how u post pics up??

fukn computer illiterate greeks!!!

[ABC]

Has to be an online picture somewhere.
Hit the 'Img' button when you're typing a post, put the URL for the picture in and then hit the 'Img*' button.

You'll end up with something that looks like:

picture_URL

8)

[KittyKatSmack]

Now that is the funniest thing I have heard lately....

joking!!!!!

when you type your message in da box.... see the buttons above, you click the Img and then type the complete url of the image and then click the button again to close the tags....

I prolly ain't making a lot of sense, but Kitty is orbiting Jupiter today...

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeee

Sorry if I sound facetious, but it isn't meant that way, honest!

Just trying to help in my own 'special' way......

*flops back into a heap*

:D

[KittyKatSmack]

Duoh, Andy beat me to it!!!!

[Trav]

well those essay posts you write just need to be typed quicker ... :P

[O-LYM-PIC]

Sorry if I sound facetious, but it isn't meant that way, honest!

:D

no u dont, but only because i dont no what that means!!!! hehehee

ummm, so u cant put up pics unless they r on a site somewhere already?? is that what ur sayin??

[Toyboy]

Hey olympic,
You can also goto www.digitalpose.com and sign up for an account where you can upload pics,I think you get 25MB free space b4 you have to pay for the privelidge :D
Then you get the URL of the pic by right clicking on the pic after uploading it then you can use that link to post up in between the IMG tags :wink:
Its a pretty simple site to use(well it is if i can use it) :P
BTW go easy on the wogs,they RULE :wink:

[O-LYM-PIC]

BTW go easy on the wogs,they RULE :wink:

heheheee, we sure r!!!

thanx 4 that, im gona try it now.

[O-LYM-PIC]

http://www.digitalpose.com/mbr/1/19590/p/307899_8717328160613517239_v.jpg

ok heres my first try at posting a pic up.

[MrShadow]

ohh, can I get a demo??? :wink: :wink:

[O-LYM-PIC]

i'll get kitty 2 show it 2 u!!!!

:twisted: :twisted:

[MrShadow]

I think KittyK might have something to say about that. :lol: :lol:

[KittyKatSmack]

How can you talk on the phone when it's stuck down there going bzzzzzzt all the time??

Not a very practical Mr Buzzy!

As for a demonstration....

In your DREAMS!

Wake up and smell the reality kiddo!

[MrShadow]

That's what I was saying, I don't think Kitty would be giving demos of the new device from Nokia.


And you never know, it might come in handy (no pun). Read Yvonnes (??) section in Ralph this month (very last page), she might like one of these... :wink: :lol: :lol:

[KittyKatSmack]

OK, who can loan me their Ralph.....

I always thought Ralph was something you did, you yelled RALPH whilst driving the porcelain bus.. the technicolour rainbow?

Never mind....

*Kitty slingshots around the moon and heads back into deep space*

[MrShadow]

Sorry Kitty, I don't lend my Ralph to anybody...besides, it's a bit far to Canberra, I'd need a lot of drinking to get it that far. :lol:

And, that is a correct definition of the word "Ralph", however, I was referring to the noun "Ralph", and in particular, the proper noun referring to the magazine published ... ahh, who cares?? :lol:

If you want, I could scan it and send it to you (just that article anyway).

[ABC]

You actually read the articles??? :D

[KittyKatSmack]

No, it's ok, I'll live, somehow....

Besides, how can I test ride that nokia Mr Buzzy if it isn't noble green???

:lol:

[MrShadow]

You actually read the articles??? :D

hey, that's my excuse, and I'm sticking to it...besides, that's a pretty full on article if you ever read it (you can read can't you?) :wink: :lol:

[ABC]

Dammit! I thought Kitty was the only one with claws here! :D

[KittyKatSmack]

Catfight
Catfight

rowrrrrrrrrrrrr

*watches avidly*

:twisted:

[ABC]

C'mon, stop trying to hit me and hit me!!!


Can't wait for the matrix - only 8 days to go!!! :shock:

[Trav]

andy - have you checked out all the animtrix stuff??

http://www.theanimatrix.com/

I'm counting it down too!!!!

[ABC]

Gotta love the work broadband connection :D

Knew it was out there, just didn't know where - Thanks Trav! 8)

[Trav]

as i was just bragin to Dan at lunch today - I work for RMIT and we use waht is called aarnet, and belong to an australian university network, and have a dedicated optus fibre line from melbourne to Sydney.

I can't see the end of our bandwidth....

[ABC]

<----- Cranky Granny with two fingers I give to you and your football field sized bandwidth. 8)

[Rupewrecht]

as i was just braggin to Dan at lunch today

hahah our 3-and-a-half hour lunch! LMAO :D :D

[KittyKatSmack]

so what do any of you know about DIVX movies...

or should I ask, can any of you get recent DIVX movies?

now that we can play them on the modded X Box.. er did I say Modded, er I mean't er modeled er...

bugger

we lost our DIVX source recently ~ long story.......

not my fault of course, am a good kitty... except of course when I'm

*tada* Bad Bad Kitty
But that's another story....

lol

[Trav]

@KittyKS: is that when you are bannished to your own litter box? :P

@Dan: Yes - 3.5hr lunch was good...

@Andy: Bandwidth sort of resembles the MCG at the moment football ground with one side of the stand missing - lots and lots of bandwidth bwhahahahahahah

[KittyKatSmack]

He didn't answer, hmmmmmmmm

neatly avoided the question, hmmmmmmmm

interesting, very interesting!

[CityEnd]

andy - have you checked out all the animtrix stuff??

i went to watch animatrix at the cinema on sat, it was boring for like the first 1hr and 41mins (well not completely). until it showed "final flight of the osiris" man that was so freaken mad!!!! it was only 9mins long, but it was the best 9mins ever..

even though it was only CG, i still couldn't help but drool. =)~~~

http://keanuweb.com/_gfx/krmmna02.jpg


kittykatsmack: u can download divx movies from the net, using programs such as emule, kazza, winmx.. hm can't remember the other names.

divx is an opensource compression format... compressing large dvd quality movies into well a smaller file size without losing much quality

there is also Xvid(divx spelt backwards) being developed...

(btw, sorry for the huge image, but i think it is needed to get my point acrossed :D )

[CityEnd]

hm... keeping with the thread, not so what i read, but something i saw which was a bit funny in a sick kind of way....

check out this pic full moon (http://www.xentax.com/captain/peerd.jpg)

[BigMal]

I thought the idea was to add extra horsepower under the bonnet.

Maybe they shouldn't be driving if they didn't see that coming.

Mal :lol:

[Rupewrecht]

"Congratulation on your purchase of the new Honda Horsefloat VTiR"

[MrShadow]

Wow, amazing... :shock: :shock:

[KittyKatSmack]

kittykatsmack: u can download divx movies from the net, using programs such as emule, kazza, winmx.. hm can't remember the other names.

divx is an opensource compression format... compressing large dvd quality movies into well a smaller file size without losing much quality

there is also Xvid(divx spelt backwards) being developed...

LOL, I know what it is, we have about 200 - 300 of them already, no....

what I mean't was, can you get them because my source has dried up.

I want some more movies please?

:wink:

[Sandyman]

the horse: ouch! :( nasty. funny for a second then you see the seriousness. eeeeeeeeee.

[CityEnd]

http://www.caraudioaustralia.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=6;t=005902

got rice?

[sik astina]

http://www.caraudioaustralia.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=6;t=005902

got rice?


:roll: ROFL :lol: , as if u will do that! :lol: :lol:

[Toyboy]

This is a letter i got off another forum,its a crack up :lol:


A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter
from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:-

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just
too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been
gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the
picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,
Becky.

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellw Marines for any snapshots
they could spare of their girlfreinds, sisters ex-girlfriends, aunts,
cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the
other pictures of the pretty girls he has collected from his buddies. There
were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note...

Dear Becky,
I'm sorry, but I can't remember who you are. Please take your picture from
the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,
Ricky.

[Sandyman]

good one man. :D

[Toyboy]

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a fat arsed dog. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires!

So I called him a piece of farkn horse ****. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

:lol: :lol:

[Trav]

what an arsehole thing to do...I like it :) :D :lol:

[Cosmo Dude]

Bob was driving home over the Westgate Bridge at about 110 km/h.
Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob
pulled over like a good citizen. The copper walked up to the window
and said, "You know how fast you were going BOY?!?" Bob thought for a
second and asked, "Uhhh, over 80?"
"110 km/h son! 110 km/h in a 80 zone!" "But if you already knew,"
replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?" Ignoring Bob, the officer
continued, in his normal charming fashion,"That's speeding and you're
getting a ticket and a fine!"
The copper took a good look at Bob and said, "You don't even look
like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my
entire life!" Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well
paying job!" The copper leaned in the window, and with the smell of
day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a idiot
like you have?!?" "I'm a arsehole stretcher!!!" replied Bob. "What
did you say, " asked the copper. " I'm a arsehole stretcher!!!" Of
course the cop asked, "What does a arsehole stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they want to be stretched,
so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple
more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and
farther apart until it's six feet across." The copper, absorbed with
the images in his mind, let down his guard
and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot arsehole?" Bob
nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar detector and stick it at
the end of a bridge!


:lol:

[Sandyman]

how does 110 in a 60 zone sound. the cops don't like that, it would seem.

[SehnKhan]

Gee, you think? :roll:

[:Jear:]

Your right, iv tried 110 in a 60 zone and they didnt like it... but that was when I was young and irresponsible and in the biggest radar trap in the whole of bayside :roll:

[Cosmo Dude]

Your right, iv tried 110 in a 60 zone and they didnt like it... but that was when I was young and irresponsible and in the biggest radar trap in the whole of bayside :roll:

Now your older? :lol:

[O-LYM-PIC]

Your right, iv tried 110 in a 60 zone and they didnt like it... but that was when I was young and irresponsible and in the biggest radar trap in the whole of bayside :roll:

Now your older? :lol:

no, now he just makes sure that hes not in a radar trap. :D :D

[Rupewrecht]

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy. "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of Ass!"

[KittyKatSmack]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[KittyKatSmack]

A husband is at home watching the football when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the hall light? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says, angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have ACTEWAGL printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly!"
"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Whirlpool written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"Fine," she says, "Well then, could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break up!"
"Does it look like I've got Bunnings written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!"

So, he goes to the pub and drinks until closing time. When he arrives home, he notices the steps are fixed and the light has stopped flickering. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed.

"Honey, how did all these get fixed?"
"Well," she said, "When you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either bake him a cake or have sex with him."

"So what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "HELLO!!!..... do you see Bakers Delight written on my forehead? I DON'T THINK SO!!"

[Toyboy]

ROFLMAO,thats golden kitty :lol: :wink:

[SehnKhan]

lol, I like that one Kitty

[Aaron]

*makes sure the lights in the house aren't flickering, the step doesn't wobble and the fridge is AOK*

*phew* At least that won't happen to me.......

[mrpayner]

It's not really a heard but more a seen...

http://morpho.dar.net/~northrup/images/riaa.jpg

AP

[mrpayner]

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." He turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my Dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.

"It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I'd **** my pants!"

He got the job!

:lol:

[Toyboy]

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and the blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm
staying right here!"

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde?, I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, I speak blonde!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear. She says "Oh, I'm sorry," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."
:roll: :wink:

[Sandyman]

ok, well today i say a devivery truck. On the side it said:
Primo
Smallgoods

:P

[Dogo]

haha ive seen those trucks heaps of times.
always good for a laugh

[pr1mo]

haha ive seen those trucks heaps of times.
always good for a laugh

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[CRA23]

Story with a moral
> > >
> > > I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for
> > > over a year, so we decided to get married. My
> > > parents helped us in every way. My friends
> > > encouraged me, and my girlfriend? - she was a dream!
> > > There was only one thing bothering me - very much
> > > indeed .That one thing was her younger sister. My
> > > prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age,
> > > wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She
> > > would regularly bend down when quite near me and I
> > > got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to
> > > be deliberate. She never did it when she was near
> > > anyone else.
> > >
> > > One day little sister called and asked me to come
> > > over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone
> > > when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was
> > > to be married, and she had feelings and desires for
> > > me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want
> > > to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make
> > > love to me just once before I got married and
> > > committed my life to her sister. I was in total
> > > shock and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going
> > > upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead
> > > with it just come up and get me'.
> > >
> > > I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched
> > > her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she
> > > pulled down her panties and threw them down the
> > > stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then
> > > turned and went straight to the front door. I opened
> > > the door and stepped out of the house. I walked
> > > straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was
> > > standing outside.
> > >
> > > With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, 'We
> > > are
> > > very happy that you have passed our little test. We
> > > couldn't ask for better man for our daughter.
> > > Welcome to the family'.
> > >
> > > The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms
> > > in your car.

[sik astina]

haha i like that one :lol:

[Cosmo Dude]

> > > > > >Couldn't you have
> > > > ? >removed the CC
> > ! > > >bits to make the
> > > > & >joke understandable?

Rod

[KittyKatSmack]

That's just laziness, when ppl don't take out the >>>>>> bits....

Bad email ettiquette......

poo poo!

[MrShadow]

It's also been done before on these boards, except is was his prospective mother-in-law. I like this one better though, I can more easily visualise ... ahem...

A very bruised Mr Shadow, signing off for more nui work :x :x

[mrpayner]

Thought this one would rate a mention.. :lol: :lol:

http://www.amihotornot.com.au/album/photos/18162-2003814202340.jpg

Very good indeed :D

AP

[Cosmo Dude]

Thought this one would rate a mention.. :lol: :lol:

http://www.amihotornot.com.au/album/photos/18162-2003814202340.jpg

Very good indeed :D

AP
nuf said :D

Where was that a fiew weeks ago?

Rod

[bmk]

http://www.digitalpose.com/mbr/1/22650/p/434465_7653570981087049136_vl.jpg

[JynX]

http://www.focus.net.au/images/mcds.jpg

[KittyKatSmack]

Thought this one would rate a mention.. :lol: :lol:

http://www.amihotornot.com.au/album/photos/18162-2003814202340.jpg

Very good indeed :D

AP



I have that one up at work, right under where the boss leans over the partition when she talks to me....
When I'm at work that is.....

:twisted:

[KittyKatSmack]

Here's something for ya's all to try....

Post yer answers of course!

:wink:


Are you a geek?
http://www.innergeek.us/geek.html

[KittyKatSmack]

Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted
at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon
puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't
hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is
connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to
another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons
in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and
go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro
code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll ! have to flash
the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the
computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?

[Rupewrecht]

ranks from least to worst:

* Geekish Tendencies
* Geek
* Total Geek
* Major Geek
* Super Geek
* Extreme Geek
* Geek God
* Dysfunctional Geek

and i am 22.48521% - geek

what about YOU, kitty?

[KittyKatSmack]

That was the weird part, I got 6.2somthing or other and it called me a POSER which isn't even on the list....

hmmmpf!

poser my ass!

stick it's questions up it's bum!

*grumbles*

:wink:

[KittyKatSmack]

I just did test again...... to check!

5.71992% - Poser

It friggin cheats!!!!!!!

[ABC]

19.32939% for me! - Geek.

At least I'm not as geekie as Dan!

[Sandyman]

15.77909% - Geek

i think that the LAN party option boosted my score a little.

Andy, don't worry. He's been to that technical design school thingo(redefine for me here Dan). Plus he built a webpage in flash...(on that note, you nicked the software from work i am thinking Dan?)

name 5 star trek characters!

[Rupewrecht]

He's been to that technical design school thingo(redefine for me here Dan). Plus he built a webpage in flash...(on that note, you nicked the software from work i am thinking Dan?)

name 5 star trek characters!

i went to TAFE and did an Associate Diploma of Graphic Art!
and of course i didn't nick the software... :roll: :P

oh, and Janeway, Chicote, Data, Picard and Seven of Nine :P

[mrpayner]

I think taking the test is a sure bet to geekiness... I scored 7.69231% - Poser anyway.. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not a geek! Yay for me! :D

AP

[SehnKhan]

Popular belief is a powerful thing :P

[Cosmo Dude]

Only 11.83432% - Geekish Tendencies.

Rod

I have more cars than computers and have not yet loaded Linux into the Rx-7.

[.::Astina|Brad::.]

:D 4.53649% - Poser Maybe if they asked more Mac questions my geekness would have risen alittle.

[azaudio]

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods when they come across a golden frog. They think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he is a magical frog, and doesn't often meet other residents of the forest, but when he does, he grants them three wishes each.

The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the forest be female. The frog immediately grants this wish.

The rabbit, after thinking for a while, asks for a crash helmet and one appears, which he places on his head.

The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish. He asks that all the bears in the neighboring forests be female as well.

This wish is also fulfilled.

The rabbit then wishes that he could have a motorcycle. It appears before him, and he climbs on board and starts revving the engine.

The bear cannot believe it. He remarks to the rabbit that he has wasted two wishes. Then, shaking his head, he makes his final wish, "I wish that all the other bears in the world be female as well."

The frog replies that it has been done and they both turn to the rabbit for his last wish.

The rabbit thinks for a second, then revs up the engine and says, "I wish for the bear to be gay!" and promptly drives off as fast as he can.

[azaudio]

A man has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face again. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face once more. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and goes to sleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him yelling at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

She replies, "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again

[Sandyman]

those two were very good. :D

[Rupewrecht]

a little birdie tells me that Jynx got 26%.... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Sandyman]

one of satan's many guises :D

[JynX]

Damn Vix... Well she did give me your pic :)

[CRA23]

20.11834% - Geek

yey im a geek and i know it :)


but a geek with a nice car :D

[bmk]

For lonely nights.. lol

http://emptybamboo.net/z/man.jpg

[mrpayner]

:lol:

http://www.amihotornot.com.au/album/photos/18162-2003817153031.jpg

AP

[mrpayner]

CAUTION - MAY OFFEND SOME VIEWERS! :D

Male comebacks to female comebacks to male pick up lines


Man - Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman - Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man - Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut

Man - Is this seat empty?
Woman - Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man - There's no need to get on your knees and suck on my c*ck just yet, we've only just met!!!

Man - Your place or mine?
Woman - Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man - That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, I don't give a s*it where you go.

Man - So, what do you do for a living?
Woman - I'm a female impersonator.
Man - That explains the moustache then!

Man - How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman - Unfertilised.
Man - No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your a*se.

Man - I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman - But would you stay there?
Man - Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you've been shagged.

Man - You're pretty
Woman - P*ss off.
Man - Don't interrupt, You're pretty ugly, you fat b*tch.

[Sandyman]

gold mate, gold :D

[Cosmo Dude]

I'll have to try some of those Adam :D
After a five or six scotches the fifth slap in the face doesn't hurt :lol: By then tho my pick-up line is 'Wanna F@#k?' :wink:

Rod

[JynX]

I think this applies to dan and others....

http://www.focus.net.au/images/astina/haha.jpg

[Rupewrecht]

FEMALE PRAYER:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.

One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who's loves to listen long.

One who thinks before he speaks.
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end.
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
*
*
*
*
MALE PRAYER:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a
liquor store. Amen

[KittyKatSmack]

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.
The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain
there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would
buy her another place.

The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own
there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly
put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the
second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third
day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music
playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a
bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room
and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the
curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the
first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could
not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned
& mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents,
carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in; the carpets were replaced and on it went.

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move.

The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job
taking everything to their new home;
......including the curtain rods.

[Toyboy]

:lol: Heres another 1 for yas :wink:

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."
"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"

"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

[kyra]

2.16963% - Poser

wtf? i should be geekfest! haha.

[CityEnd]

HU'S ON FIRST By James Sherman
(We take you now to the Oval Office. Conversation btw Condoleeza
Rice and Bush)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get
Chinese food in the Middle East

[CityEnd]

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no f*****g bike.

-------------------------------------------

This story happened about a month ago in a little town in
Mexico, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him and stopped.
Without thinking about it, the guy got into the car, closed the door just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel. The car started slowly.
The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming. Scared, he started to
pray begging for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.
Paralysed in terror, the guy watched how the hand appeared every time they
were before a curve.
The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town.
Wet and in shock, he went into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila.
Then he started telling everyone about the horrible experience he went through. Silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.
At that very moment two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other, "Look Pepe, that's the asshole that got in the car when we were pushing it!"

[Toyboy]

just an interesting plate i come across :P

http://www.boners.com/content/790494.1.jpg

Catch ya :wink:

[Trav]

"Look Pepe, that's the asshole that got in the car when we were pushing it!"

Pure GOLD mate!!!! GOLD!!!! :D :D :D

[mrpayner]

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local paper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F*** you!" Then he turned to his bride and said, "F*** you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge.....making the brides' parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the brides' and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends.......$32,000

Wedding photos commemorating the occasion.....$3,000

Deluxe two week honeymoon in Maui.....$8,500

The look on everyone's faces when they see the 8 x 10 glossy of the bride humping the best man........ Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MasterCard.
http://www.mastercard.com/images/logo.gif

:lol: AP

[mrpayner]

All drugs have a generic name:
- Tylenol is acetaminophen,
- Aleve is naproxen,
- Amoxil is amoxicillin,
- Advil is ibuprofen, and so on.

The FDA has been searching for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on Mydixadud. Also considered were: Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mycoxafailin, and Alimpdixafixit.
And of course, Ibepokin.

:D

AP

[Toyboy]

Click here for a good Laugh :lol:

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/celebxxx.php

Catch ya :wink:

[Toyboy]

LONDON, England (Reuters) -- Six British schoolboys were rushed to the hospital after taking the erection-enhancing drug Viagra at lunchtime for a dare, the school said Thursday.

Paramedics were called after a fellow student told teachers about the 13-year-olds' prank, a spokesperson for Forest School in Winnersh, in southern England, said.

The local education authority said they think the student took the pills from home and brought them to the all-boys school where he shared them with five friends.

The school has a no drugs policy and the students likely will face punishment, especially the student who brought the pills into school, the education authority said.

The Sun newspaper quoted a source at the school as saying: "By the time the afternoon lessons began, there was no hiding what they had done."

Paramedics took the six squirming boys to the nearby Royal Berkshire Hospital, where they were monitored until the effects wore off.

The effects of Viagra are typically felt for up to 4 hours, according to viagra.com.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[andrewgrazier]

OK here a joke dont know if ya heard it before

there is a guy driving down the street and there is two abbos walking along the road, his phone rings and he gets it but looses concentration and hits both of the abbos walking along the street.
One bounces off the car and flies through the air about 50 m away and the other one goes through the windscreen and gets stuck bleeding to deah half in the car.
the man thinks " Oh **** what have i done!!" and calls the police

the cops get there and investigate the scene,
the man then asks the police wether he will be charged,

the cop says " Huh what? " we have made the arreests allready"

then the othe cop says " Well we r chargin that one with break and enter and the other one with leaving the crime scene"


hahahahahaha
good old abbo jokes! :mrgreen: ..|..

[Asterix]

Or the boys could check out this link!

:shock: NICE RACK!!! :shock:

http://www.bugfish.com/qwerty/SMTSFLSH2.swf

Disclaimer: Kitty... view at your own discretion. :wink:

[KittyKatSmack]

Thanks for the warning Asterix, LOL

And she has got pretty saggy boozies, wait until she ain't arching her back!!!

:roll:

tsk tsk tsk!

She would do herself an injury if she were to bounce with any enthusiasm!

:twisted:

*Kitty retracts claws and bounces off*

[Asterix]

1) If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

2) I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

3) If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

4) How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5) I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

6) My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

7) Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go ****.

8) Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

9) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas,
could I meet you between the holidays?

10) You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

11) Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

12) Could I touch your belly button ... from the inside?

13) I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

14) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

15) Guy: "Would you like to dance?" Girl: "I don't care for this song and
surely wouldn't dance with you." Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have
misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

16) I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

17) **** me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

18) I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

19) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
light switch away.

20) Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous
curves ahead, yield?

21) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.

22) Wanna play Pearl Harbor? ... It's a game where I lay back while you
blow the hell out of me.

23) Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

24) Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

25) I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking
to you.

26) That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be
coming too.

27) I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me
to it.

28) Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

[Sandyman]

:lol: nice.

here's something funny.
http://www.atlantaillustrated.com/bigfun/childrensbooks/

the 2nd last one(in my opinion) is the best.

[S373N]

Just thought it was a little odd.
Was going to change registration over to my toothpaste.
Exert from www.transport.tas.gov.au

Transfer of a Vehicle - Responsbilility

* Description
* Role of a registered operator
* Before accepting responsibility for a vehicle
* Transferring the registration - 14 day limit
* Light and heavy vehicles
* Specifying a registered operator
* Conditional registration
* Ex-government vehicles
* Customer provides
* Customer receives
* Payment
* Duty not payable

Description

By transferring a vehicle into your name you become the registered operator.

To become a registered operator you must be one of the following:

* a person
* a body corporate such as a company or an incorporated association
* a government department
* a government authority.

Different criteria apply to be a registered operator for light and heavy vehicles.

[mussing]

It's there to provide that you have to be a legal person or something with legal personality, like a corporation; you can't register a car in the name of certain other things like unincorporated associations, unincorporated non-profit associations, trusts, syndicates, joint ventures, partnerships, etc.

</lawstudent> :)

[Cosmo Dude]

It's there to provide that you have to be a legal person or something with legal personality, like a corporation; you can't register a car in the name of certain other things like unincorporated associations, unincorporated non-profit associations, trusts, syndicates, joint ventures, partnerships, etc.

</lawstudent> :)

Someone or something that can be held accountable, not "It's registered to my toothbrush. Take that to court!"