Jokes & funny stories - As rude and uncensored as you like!!!!

[sik astina]

[color=#0000FFost_uid5]It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there,who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?" "Thats for you," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "F**k him.. Give him five bucks." ................... the breakfast was my idea."[/colorost_uid5]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000ost_uid3]Silly Stuff

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Phone answering machine message:
"...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn'tfind
any.
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
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I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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Our ice cream man was found lying dead on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
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Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."
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Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
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What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. *Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Lee-Chung-Hu. But I think it's Colin.
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round."
The other one says, "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
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Two prostitutes standing on a street corner.
One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the boobs a couple of times!!"
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Two prostitutes still standing on a street corner.
One says to the other, "Do you smoke after having sex?"
The other replies "I don't know, I've never looked".
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
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A man walked into the doctor, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
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Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.[/colorost_uid3]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000ost_uid3][bost_uid3]How to Shower like a Woman[/bost_uid3]
- Take off your clothing and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
- Walk to bathroom wearing a long dressing gown. *If you see your husband along the way, cover exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
- Look at your womanly physique in mirror and stick out your gut so you can complain and whine even more about getting fat.
- Get in shower
- Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
- Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins
- Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins
- Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil.
- Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
- Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
- Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure it has all come off).
- Shave armpits and legs. *Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
- Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and you lost the water pressure.
- Turn off the shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
- Get out of the shower. *
- Dry with towel the size of a small African country.
- Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
- Check entire body for remotest sign of a zit. *Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
- Return to bedroom wearing long dressing and towel on head. *If you see your husband along the way, cover up exposed areas, then rush to bedroom to spend and hour and a half getting dressed.

[bost_uid3]How to shower like a Man[/bost_uid3]
- Take off clothes while sitting on edge of bed and leave them in a pile.
- Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake penis at her and make "woo hoo" sound.
- Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you hav pecs (no).
- Admire size of penis in the mirror, scratch arse and smell fingers for one last whiff.
- Get in the shower. Don't bother to look for washcloth (you don't use one). Wash face, then armpits.
- Crack up at how loud fart sounds in the shower.
- Wash privates and surrounding area. *Wash arse, leaving hair on the bar of soap.
- Shampoo hair ( do not use conditioner). Make a shampoo mohawk.
- Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
- Piss (in the shower).
- Rinse off and get out of the shower.
- Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of tub the whole time.
- Partially dry off.
- Look at self in the mirror, flex muscles.
- Admire penis size again.
- Leave shower curtain open, wet bath mat on floor. *
- Leave bathroom fan and light on.
- Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
- If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your penis, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
- Throw wet towel on the bed.
- Take 2 minutes to get dressed.[/colorost_uid3]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000ost_uid3]A girl goes to the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. *"How did you get that mark on your chest?", asks the doctor. *
"Oh my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. *"How did you get that mark on your chest?", asks the doctor.
"Oh my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. *"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. *
She replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, why do you ask?"[/colorost_uid3]

[sik astina]

[color=#0000FFost_uid2]WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
3. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
4. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
5. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
6. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
7. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate
without being called nasty names.
8. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
9. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk
during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
10. You can ask a stranger for chocolate
without getting your face slapped.
11. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
12. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
13. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
14. Good chocolate is easy to find.
15. You can have as many kinds of chocolate
as you can handle.
16. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
17. When you have chocolate it does not
keep your neighbors awake.
18. With chocolate size doesn't matter.
[/colorost_uid2]

[SehnKhan]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Two prostitutes are standing in the street. One turns to the other and says "I think it's going to be a busy night, I can almost smell the cum in the air". The other looks at her and syas "Nah, I just burped".[/colorost_uid0]

[ABC]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Check out these babies
Wait for it to load, takes a few minutes, then move your mouse to the desired spot.
Cheers
Andrew


http://mijav.dk/download/boobs.swf[/colorost_uid0]

[Toyboy]

[color=#000000ost_uid14]Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, Nice puppies [/colorost_uid14]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000ost_uid7]Ha!! What a crack-up!!! You can spend hours on that thing!!!

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :O

Adam[/colorost_uid7]

[sik astina]

[color=#0000FFost_uid4]LOL spend hours Mr payner you need to get out more :laugh: ::[/colorost_uid4]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000ost_uid2]Andrew,

You should have treated us to the whole deal!!

Get the sequel here... The Seqel[/colorost_uid2]

[pr1mo]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]well for Mrpayner its eithr that or the bradman museum, i know what id choose[/colorost_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000ost_uid3]what the.....?[/colorost_uid3]

[Rupewrecht]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]what the hell are you talking about, mike?!?!? ???

you need to cut back on the glue, dude [/colorost_uid0]

[pr1mo]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]haha just kidding! [/colorost_uid0]

[mrpayner]

[color=#000000ost_uid3]....and here's people think [iost_uid3]I'm[/iost_uid3] the fruit loop!

Geez pr1mo....

Have fun with it!

Adam[/colorost_uid3]

[apparition]

[color=#000000ost_uid1]Here are some jokes that my friend just sent to me via ICQ

Three male mice are sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila arguing about how tough they are.
The first mouse says: "I'm so tough, I break into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison." He slams down his tequila and looks at the second mouse.
The second mouse replies: "That's nothing. I'm so tough, I run through a mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip on to my back and bench press the killer springed trap wire." He slams down his tequila and looks at the third mouse.
The third mouse slams down his tequila, slides off his stool and begins walking away from the bar. The other mice scream: "Hey, Softy, where do you think you're going?!!"
The third mouse replies: "I'm going home to shag the cat."
---------------

This lady goes to a restaurant and orders a scoop of vanilla ice cream, a scoop of strawberry ice cream and a scoop of chocolate ice cream.
The waiter says: "I'm sorry, we have no chocolate."
So the lady says that's okay she will have a vanilla milk shake, a strawberry milk shake and a chocolate milk shake.
Once again the waiter tells her: "I'm sorry, we have no chocolate!"
And once again the lady changes her order and says she will have vanilla cake, strawberry cake, and chocolate cake.
This time the waiter gets mad and says loudly: "Lady, we have no chocolate. Let me try to explain this to you. Do you see the word van in the word vanilla?"
The lady replies: "Yes."
The waiter then asks her if she sees the word straw in the word strawberry. She once again replies "yes."
Then he asks her if she sees the word f*** in the word chocolate.
The lady says: "There's no f*** in chocolate."
And the waiter shouts: "Exactly! THERE'S NO F***IN CHOCOLATE!!!!!!"
:laugh:[/colorost_uid1]

[bRaDiNhO]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Blonde joke -

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:
"But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect) "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees".
She did.
"Now take down my zipper".
She did.
"Now go ahead ... take it out...." he said.
She reached it and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well, go ahead". The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it, and while holding it closeto her lips, tentatively said.....
"Hello, mum can you hear me?"[/colorost_uid0]

[Critter]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."[/colorost_uid0]

[Toyboy]

[color=#000000ost_uid2]Coco Pops
A seven year old and a four year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

“You know what?", says the seven year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."

The four year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"

"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, s**t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!

" I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your f**kin' ass it won't be Coco Pops."[/colorost_uid2]