funny things i've been sent lately

[Rupewrecht]

Now that Saddam's sons Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the
lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American
authorities.

Among the brothers:

Sooflay - the restaurateur
Guday - the half-Australian brother
Huray - the sports fanatic
Sashay - the gay brother
Sayhay - the baseball player
Ojay - the stalker/murderer
Gulay - the singer/entertainer
Ebay - the internet czar
Biliray - the country music star
Ecksray - the radiologist
Puray - the blender factory owner
Regay - the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay - the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:

Pusay - the 'loose' 22 yr old
Lattay - the coffee shop owner
Bufay - the 300 pound sister
Dushay - the clean sister
Phayray - the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway - the grocery store owner
Ollay - the half-mexican sister
Gudlay - the prostitute

More will no doubt be discovered...

[ABC]

http://www.nata2.info/humor/flash/cow.swf

No explanation necessary. :lol:

[Sandyman]

http://www.ifilm.com/filmdetail?ifilmid=2473487
Click the link to go to an advertising film of a topless bartenders academy. I think you should all enjoy it.

[ABC]

Womans Dashboard

[BigMal]

http://www.doa-clan.com/Members/V_Master/GopedTake2.wmv

[Rupewrecht]

stolen from IWOOT..

---

Whenever an archaeologist uses the word 'ritual' to describe a find, feature or activity, this is trade code for "I haven't the foggiest idea what the *hell* this was for". - Joe, Southampton

Daleks were named as such from an encyclopaedia volume: DAL - EKS
- Serendipity, Middlesex

The shortest correspondence on record is between Victor Hugo and his publicist. Whilst on holiday, Victor wanted to know how his new novel was doing so he sent a postcode to the publicist saying "?". The publicist sent a postcard back saying "!" - Deb, Leicester

If something is adjustable, sooner or later it will need adjusting. - Big Steve, Coventry

If you cut holes in the doors, you could put small fridges inside bigger fridges, Russian-doll-style, thus lowering the ambient temperature to 0 Kelvin. Possibly. - Sander H., Den Haag

When you point one finger at someone else, you're pointing four at yourself. Think about that when you want to blame someone. - Paul, Tilburg

---

[Rupewrecht]

On top of Jonathan Brown's charge of striking Rhyce Shaw in the Grand Final,
Jason Cloke is to be fined $6000 (the standard fine for any spectator who runs onto the ground).

Scientists have invented a new woman's bra called the "COLLINGWOOD"
which offers plenty of support but no cup

Collingwood are chasing 3 Brisbane Bears players
BLACK * WHITE * and *HEART

What does a pregnant woman and collingwood have in common?
They both drop their bundle in the 9th month

What's the difference between Collingwood and an Arsonist
It doesn't take an Arsonist 22 Matches *

Why are collingwood called the deck chairs ?
Because they fold up during the winter .

3 males needed to cross a croc invested river in Darwin,
1st guy decided to take a chance, made it half way and was gobbled up
2nd guy thinking the croc would be full after the 1st feed decided to also take a chance *, he too made it half way and was gobbled up
3rd guy *proudly showing off the large "collingwood for premiers" tattoo on his back took to the water, the croc swam up to him
took one look at the tattoo and then turned around and swam in the opposite direction enabling the proud man to reach the other side.
The man proudly spent the rest of the day boasting of his feat, but he was told by the ranger *that not even a killer croc would swallow that crap.

Q. Why did Cinderella run away from the ball?
A. She played for Collingwood.

Q. What does Richard Cole have in common with Cinderella?
A. Both ran away from the ball.

Q. What does the Collingwood FC and Maltesers have in common?
A. They *both crumble under pressure.

Q. How does a Collingwood supporter barrack?
A. Unsuccessfully.

Q. What does a donut have in common with a Magpies supporters brain?
A. Not much substance, and a hole in the middle.

Q. What was the last thing that went through Rhyce Shaw's mind in the Grand Final?
A. Jonathan Brown's elbow.

Q. How did the crippled man cross the road?
A. On the Brisbane Lions team bus, like 5 other cripples.

Q. What does getting bashed by cripples have in common with Collingwood FC?
A. Everything.

Q. How did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
A. Crying, sobbing and whinging, just like every other Collingwood supporter.

Q. What does Michael Voss have to do with the number of goals kicked by Matthew Lloyd in 2003?
A. That's how many painkillers he had in his knee for the season.

Q. How many Collingwood footballers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two.Anthony Rocca and Rhyce Shaw. Both have a tendency to screw things up.

Q. What does JOFFA stand for?
A. Jeez Our Footballers are F - - - - - g Awful.


hey Kyra... ..|.. ..|.. ..|.. :lol: :wink:

[SehnKhan]

Q. Why is viagra not sold in Collingwood?
A. Cause the pharmacist knows the pies will never "get up" :twisted:

[CRA23]

found this while on an other forum...... and its blood funny

FAST & FURIOUS McDONALD'S STYLE

I live my life a quarter pounder at a time. And for those 400 calories or more, I'm free.

I need FRIIIIIIESSSSSS! Two of them. The big ones. Oh, and I need them tonight!!

AMATURES DONT SUPER-SIZE! I'VE SEEN HOW YOU EAT!!! YOU'VE GOT A BIG MOUTH!! YOU'LL BLOW YOURSELF UP!

What's the retail on one of those?? More than you can afford pal, 6-dollar burger!

You're lucky the double shot of bbq sauce didn't blow a seam on your nugget box!!!

Whoa! There she is, 2 pounds of pure MickeyD's beef. My dad ate it in 9.0 seconds flat. There was so much special sauce, the juices actually dripped onto his chin coming off the line.
What's your time? I haven't tasted her. She scares the crap outta me.

My grill topped out at 140 degrees today. I need more charcoal, 2 bags, the big ones

So what're you eatin?! Oh you gonna make me look under the bun and find out??

It's not how you stand by your burger, it's how you EAT your burger.

Bull shi* ***hole! no one likes the McTuna sandwich around here!

You almost had me? You never had me. You never had your burger. You're granny-biting, not double-chomping like you should!!!

Now me and Ronald McDonald here are gonna have to rip open the counter, and replace the ONION RINGS YOU FRIED.

You know you owe me a 10 pack of nuggets. Ooh. Ouch!

Don't do it! I'll bet he's got at least a triple cheeseburger under that bun!

Torretto's got ketchup in his veins and an all beef patty for a brain.

They opened my bag. Disrespected my fries. All because someone narked me out! AND YOU KNOW WHAT!! IT WAS RONALD!!!

I thought we had an understanding? You stay on your side of the play-place, I stay on mine.

Bryan - "Welcome to Mcdonald's, may I take your order?"
Hector - "Yeah, I made a list. I want 3 of everything."

All the descriptions were the same. 3 black Angus beef patties,
precision-placed pickles, Mushimoto mayonaisse.

I bet a couple of 1/2 pound patties would pull a premium three days before Taste Wars wouldn't they?

Check it out, it's like this. If I lose, winner takes my happy meal. But If I win, I take the burger AND the TOY. To some people that's more important.

[Pernod]

NO2 Fun!

Ever want to nitrous your ride, but were afraid you'd grenade your mega-dollar motor into smithereens, or trash your daily driver?

Well, fear no more. For the measly sum of $19.95 (US$), we can absolutely guarantee that you won't blow YOUR motor. How? Heh heh heh. Just rent a car from your local, smiling Thrifty agent.
His motor + your nitrous system = no problem. Experience the thrill of nitrous, totally uninhibited.
No longer will you feel the urge to back off because you're afraid of scattering YOUR dollars along the side of the road or at the strip. It's like hot fudge sundaes without the guilt. Mopar Action's staff, the same people who brought you the Rental Car Nats and the famous "push-o-war" (nose-to-nose burnouts), are out on a brief furlough from Nurse Ratchet's psycho ward, and will outdo themselves again by showing you how to knock over 3 seconds off a bone stock Neon. Yeah, you got it!

16.90 @ 81 MPH to a zero-traction 13.82 @ 102. Have we got chrome-moly
spheres, or what?

We slammed together a super-simple N2O system for our bone stock 3-speed automatic rent-a-Neon (with 13-inch wheels!) consisted of readily
available parts from the NOS nitrous catalogue and the local NAPA parts store.

Our goal was to make no engine mods and unbolt nothing from the car during installation. In other words, we wanted to be smarter than O.J., and leave no incriminating evidence behind (is America a great country, or what?) The system consisted of an N20 tank held in the back seat by the lap and shoulder belt, a length of braided hose laying on the carpet, and routed through the unused clutch-cable firewall hole, the cheapest electric fuel pump we could find, nitrous and fuel solenoids and two simple injectors.
The injectors consisted of nothing more than two short lengths of 3/16" brake line tubing with the solenoids attached at one end and 2 NOS-modified "AN" fittings that accept NOS nitrous and fuel-metering jets on the other end.

A painless incision into the soft plastic air box hose allowed N2O and fuel to be injected directly above the throttle body. The whole deal was held
in place by duct tape and cable ties. Replaceable jets allowed precision tuning of the system to any level of insanity desired.

Auxiliary fuel (alcohol "drygas") was stored in the windshield washer reservoir and the small electric pump was added to supply fuel (the windshield wiper fluid pump will not supply enough fuel) to a solenoid. This set-up was rigged into the horn wiring to open the solenoids when you punch the horn button (we did disconnect the horn button).

So how did it work? Awesome. Simply awesome. We started out with a 50 HP nitrous jet with 100% excess fuel. Hitting the horn at 4000 RPM in 2nd
gear felt like 15 lbs of boost. Were we happy?

Nope! Onward to the 75 HP jet and only 50% excess fuel. The Neon was
amazing. We worked up the guts for 1800 RPM launches in first gear. OOPS out of nitrous, before you can say: "Thrifty."Luckily, we had brought a second bottle.

The entire Mopar Action staff flogged the Neon mercilessly, but we
couldn't break it (yet). The high (low?) point came when "Crazy" Eddie Yeznaian, intrepid rally racer and wildebeest extraordinaire, actually
power-braked the car to the floor, cut the wheel to the left, and hit the nitrous in reverse.
Nothin' like nitrous doughnuts after a hard day at the office! (Since this was done in the rain, does that make it Dunkin' Donuts?) If you can imagine what it must be like to be trapped in a spinning top at 200 RPM you get the idea. Where are the air-sickness bags for this ride? H-E-L-L-L-P!

After the second full 10 pound bottle of nitrous had been greedily half-guzzled by the motor, we decided to go for broke before it was empty. We slipped in the killer 150 HP jets. Is this sick, or what? We more than doubled the stock HP output! Jeeez! 13.82 @ 102 mph The motor took
first gear launches at 2000 RPM with cylinder pressures that should have shot the plugs through the hood, and exhaust gas temps that were slightly hotter than the surface of the sun.

Could the Neon go faster? And, mainly, would the converter stay in the transaxle, or launch like a Saturn rocket and slice our legs off at the knees? (And, do they rent hand-control Neons?) For our last runs of the day, we leaned out the fuel jet for only 5% excess fuel and stuck our guinea pig editor, Cliff "Pleeeeease don't blow the motor, guys!" Gromer behind the wheel.

For his first duel, Cliff matched himself up with an automatic Mustang GT at the track. The pony car came out of the shoot even with the Neon, and
pulled ahead by the 300-ft mark. The Neon, now in second, gets juiced by Gromer.
Result?
Like taking candy from a baby. Cliff's little rent-a-car was so far out on the 'Stang that he was able to back off in third, turning a 14.15 at 96.7.

Later, in an impromptu street run from a 10 mph roll-on, Cliff, the sick puppy that he is, hit the horn button in first gear, right on the "3" count,
the 2-litre Twinkie motor screamed for mercy, the tires spun all the way
through first gear. We were fender to fender with a fast 440-6 Challenger R/T.

He ripped his piston-grip to second, but we pulled ahead. Clifford boiled
the tires big-time into second gear, allowing the R/T to pull alongside.
The Neon mini-motor wound tight-right to the rev limiter. Did Cliff lift? Did he back off? No chance! Ka-boom! A glowing three-foot fireball barked out of each side of the hood, and rolled back over the windshield. Cheeez! This actually caused the R/T driver to lift, but not Cliff!
Wow. Say goodbye to Neon.

We pulled over, fully expecting to see rods hanging out of the block. Surprise. Only the airbox is blown apart. With the leaned out fuel system and the motor running so far into the rev limiter that the stock injectors were shut completely off, we must a floated the valves and backfired through the intake system. The motor was running a little rough
(a slight understatement) and we're sure we bent at least one valve, or, more likely, blew the head off of a couple.

Needless to say it was the best $19.95 we ever spent.

We gassed the Neon back up and limped back to the ever-smiling counterperson.

[Toyboy]

A little boy and a little girl, both about six, are playing in the sandbox.
Unexpectedly, the little boy farted, causing a little sand between his legs
to shift. She notices, and squeals with laughter, "How'd you do that," she
asks.

"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."

"Can I try it," she asks?

"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."

So she strains, and concentrates, and grunts. Suddenly, there's a terrible
explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out. The
little boy rolls up the hill, he finds himself upside down against a tree.
He groggily gets to his feet, runs over to where the little girl is out cold
flat on her back, spread eagle. He lifts up her dress, peeks underneath,
and loudly exclaims,

"Just what I thought . Dual exhaust." :lol: :lol:

[KittyKatSmack]

http://entropy8zuper.org/airport/venus/

I think it is just too veird...... ya know!

[KittyKatSmack]

This one is disgusting, but I have to share...... you know I am a sharing caring kinda gal.......

be warned, not for the weak stomached.... :shock:







MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out
of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches
from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without
preparation, completely insert a lubricated
American football into her vagina.

ZITS
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England,
squeezed a zit and projected a detectable
amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch.

WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage
and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen
ontheir wedding night and consists of a small amount of
still-warm very recently attained bull semen.
It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York.
It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of
French mustard and a dash of lime.
It is not mixed,but served with a tampon(unused)
instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a '**** Pump'.

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial'
amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the
greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of
ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American who,
produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12
mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender
is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart
for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds

[Toyboy]

There was a couple that had been married for 20 years and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on switching off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the habit.

One night while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband holding a dildo.

"You impotent bastard," she yelled. "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband says "I'll explain the dildo if you explain the kids." :lol: :lol:

[kyra]

Dan, I just read that collingwood post... 1 month late, but I still read it... you bastard!!! I didn't mind the JOFFA jibe though.

[MrShadow]

Originally Posted by Toyboy

... So she strains, and concentrates, and grunts. Suddenly, there's a terrible
explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out. The
little boy rolls up the hill, he finds himself upside down against a tree.
He groggily gets to his feet, runs over to where the little girl is out cold
flat on her back, spread eagle. He lifts up her dress, peeks underneath,
and loudly exclaims,

"Just what I thought . Dual exhaust." :lol: :lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol:

That is the funniest **** I've read in a long time...

[Toyboy]

Little Amber was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing.
He politely asked, "What are you up to there, Amber?"
"My goldfish died," replied Amber tearfully, without looking up, "And I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish
isn't it?'
Amber patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f*cking cat." :lol: :lol:

[KEEVRS]

8)

WWW.MACKERS.COM/ALIG


ENJOY!!!!

[KittyKatSmack]

"First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally,
you forget to pull it down."

~ George Burns

[KittyKatSmack]

http://www.rathergood.com/independent_woman/