Jokes & funny stories - As rude and uncensored as you like!!!!

[IZG-00D]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]if anyone gets offended by this, i apologize.


Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it
is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head.
Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" -
get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like **** so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high
school girls if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth,
don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games
immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to
speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care
about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."



A Man's thoughts on Fellatio AKA Rebuttal Etiquette (by a
male)

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a
lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean
anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be
thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your
mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight
days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you
that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your
mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had
better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the
morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about
getting any on your face, now will you?[/colorost_uid0]

[Toyboy]

[color=#000000ost_uid14]Not bad :laugh:[/colorost_uid14]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000ost_uid0]wonder what the girls at this forum will say about that [/colorost_uid0]

[IceWish]

[color=#336633ost_uid0]. What doesn't belong in this list:

Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?

A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or
wife, but you can't beat a blowjob

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in
common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What's the difference between your
paycheck and your cock?

A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm
count?

A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy
Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had
sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.(Ask Ezzy)

Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

Q. Whats the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.

Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermits Finger

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in
common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber
breaks, you're screwed.[/colorost_uid0]

[IceWish]

[color=#336633ost_uid0]A day at the Beach

Toyboy and his wife *took their six-year-old son to a nude
beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had bigger boobs than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "the bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Pleased with the answer, the boy goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "parts" thanhis dad. His mother replied "the bigger they are, the dumber the person is."

Satisfied with this answer the boy returned to the ocean to
play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother , "Daddy is *talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the *dumber he gets".[/colorost_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000ost_uid0] * * @ IceWish.

Here's another one:

*
[bost_uid0]Rich Man and Poor Man[/bost_uid0]

A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. The Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?" He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works." The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?" The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go **** herself!"[/colorost_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Just come across another one:

[bost_uid0]"Mom, I'm gay"..... [/bost_uid0]

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, so he went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth after they may have been in their rectal canal?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!"[/colorost_uid0]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000ost_uid0]hey icewish, what was that thing about a mechanic ...
"Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.(Ask Ezzy)"

whatsit? u mean he fingered her or what?if he had sex with her....[/colorost_uid0]

[sik astina]

[color=#0000FFost_uid2]lol @ pete, i like it! [/colorost_uid2]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Art exhibition. A woman was admiring a painting of three nude black men. She was a little put off as one had a white penis. She asked the painter why she had given one of the black men a white penis.

"Oh, no, they're not black men, they're miners" Replied the painter, "This picture was painted after their lunch break. The one with white penis went home for lunch."

[/colorost_uid0]

[IceWish]

[quoteost_uid0="Sandyman"][color=#000000ost_uid0]hey icewish, what was that thing about a mechanic ...
"Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.(Ask Ezzy)"

whatsit? u mean he fingered her or what?if he had sex with her....[/colorost_uid0][/quoteost_uid0]
[color=#336633ost_uid0]Well i guess he fingered her first....unless he uses his finger instead of his dick.....Thats like using your dick instead of your brain......[/colorost_uid0]

[Critter]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger King. He noticed that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her,until each had half of them.

Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup, and set it in front of his wife.
The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man than asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn using the teeth."[/colorost_uid0]

[Toyboy]

[color=#000000ost_uid14]A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What kind is the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked
"That's a daddy longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mummy longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then stomped them flat.
"Well, we're not having THAT sort of poofter **** in our garden."
:laugh:[/colorost_uid14]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000ost_uid0]****! LOL![/colorost_uid0]

[Sandyman]

[color=#FF0000ost_uid0]Dr Kruzengate was giving his class a lecture on semen.

"Now, the chemical composition of semen is made up mostly of sugar proteins..."

A girl who was sitting toward the front called out "then why does it taste salty?"

She wasn't seen in that class for the rest of the semester[/colorost_uid0]

[Toyboy]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After
all of the background checks, interviews, and
testing were done there were three finalists
-- two men and one woman. For the final test,
the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions,
no matter what the circumstances. Inside this
room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
You have to kill her."

The first man said."You can't be serious. I
could never shoot my wife,"

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right
man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent
came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but
I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You
don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she
was told to kill her husband. She took the gun
and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all
was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow
and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was
loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death
with the chair."
[/colorost_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]whats the difference between a reliant robin and a golf ball?
you can drive a golf ball more than 200 metres.

how do you double the value of a reliant robin?
put a litre of petrol in it.

why does a reliant robin have a heated rear screen?
to keep your hands warm when you're pushing it.


PS for those who don't know, a Reliant (pff, yeah right) Robin is the little three wheeler car featured in the Mr Bean series, the blue one he always crashes into.[/colorost_uid0]

[MrShadow]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part
of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God
decided to install voice mail?

Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others


I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners
right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it
in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy Spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, and then
enter his social security # followed by the pound sign. If you receive a
negative response, please hang up and dial the police and report them
missing as they still on earth somewhere.


For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers,
316.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other
planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please
hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.


If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please
contact your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.
[/colorost_uid0]

[Rupewrecht]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed", she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way, enjoying a great weekend of skiing.

Nine months later...

Jack received a letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good looking widow woman that let us sleep in her barn on our ski trip up north?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."



(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)[/colorost_uid0]

[Rupewrecht]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Every single one is completely and utterly true:

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint to toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) Your never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup a soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong !

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip

36) You always feel sexy in new shoes

37) You can never find a toilet when you need a crap

38) You'll always see the partner of your dreams when you look your worst

39) You don't mind the smell of your own farts

40) Your car will never run out of petrol near a garage or outside your house

41) Your keys are always visable through a window when you lock yourself out

42) You always sing louder when nobody's indoors

43) Your bin is full

44) You make more of an effort to look better on Friday's

45) Big fat women smell like tuna

46) No wonder you're tired you work over 2000 hours a year

47) Your freezer contains either an apple studel, choc-ices or a vienetta

48) Nobody appreciates you more than you

49) You hate someone and fancy someone in your office

50) You fish for compliments by looking in the mirror and calling yourself ugly and fat in front of someone


Show this to 10 friends and you won't become fat and smell like tuna[/colorost_uid0]